Psycho-Mania! by Stephen Jones

Author:Stephen Jones [Jones, Stephen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781780330266
Published: 2019-03-21T00:00:00+00:00

STEVE RASNIC TEM

The Secret Laws of the Universe

E D THOUGHT THE toaster had a disapproving aspect. “Have you told your wife yet?” It was difficult to tell which part of the toaster the voice was coming from.

Ed sought to avoid eye contact, but had no idea where not to look. “I don’t want to worry her.”

“Human beings like to be prepared, or at least to have the illusion. It’s characteristic of your race.”

“They’re not my race.” When the toaster began to harangue him, demanding some sort of explanation, Ed left the kitchen. He’d been speaking emotionally, not logically of course. Often he didn’t feel like part of the human race, and he didn’t expect anyone to understand this, but he wasn’t about to be embarrassed in his own home by an appliance.

Behind him, he heard his toast pop up with a ding: done. The toaster sighed.

“It’ll get cold if you just leave it there.” His wife glanced over the paper at him. She had her own breakfast spread out over her end of the dining-room table – ham and scrambled eggs, a carafe of black coffee, bagel and cream cheese, and a bowl of freshly sliced fruit, all the colours artfully arranged.

“I don’t like my toast hot. Cool is fine with me.”

“Well, nobody likes it cold.”

“I said cool, not cold. And with a little bit of strawberry jam on top, it tastes great.”

“I’d be happy to fix your toast when I make my own breakfast, however you want it fixed, Ed. I’ll even stick your toast in the freezer, if that’s what you really want.”

“Well, I appreciate that.” It was a marriage lie, and marriage lies don’t count. “But you have a job to get to. And I have to be able to do a few things for myself.”

Jillian gazed at him with her head slightly tilted. “I guess I can’t argue with that.”

The coffee carafe said, “Tell her you’re going to kill her, Ed. You owe her that much, for all she’s done for you.” Or perhaps it was the chandelier. One of the bulbs blinked and buzzed, sending painful pulses directly into Ed’s brain.

They all acted as if he wanted to kill her. Clearly no one understood. He went back into the kitchen and retrieved his cooling toast from the top of the toaster. It caught on the edge of the slot until he ordered, “Let go, dammit.” He slapped it on a plate.

Back in the dining room he stared at his plate with the burned square of bread. He’d forgotten his table knife.

Was it okay to put the jam from the serving spoon directly on to his toast if he hadn’t touched the bread with his lips? He reached over and took the spoon out of the jam, loaded it, and deposited the bright red spread on the edge of his plate, cognizant that Jillian was watching him, waiting for any mistake so that she might instruct him in some fine point of etiquette. He guided his toast across the protruding jam, being careful not to let any of it spill on to the table.

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