I'm Laughing Because I'm Crying by Youngmi Mayer

Author:Youngmi Mayer [MAYER, YOUNGMI]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Little, Brown and Company
Published: 2024-11-14T00:00:00+00:00

MOTHER

I TRIED TO RUN AWAY from home because my mom became distant when I became “attractive.” I think she had been told all her life that her only value in this world was that she was pretty, and she couldn’t emotionally deal with losing her looks while her daughter was gaining hers. I think in her mind, I had become her competition. I tried to run away because I was so deeply in need of my mother and I couldn’t bear her rejection.

After I was taken by CPS to a safe care facility, I slept for a number of days that is unknown to me. I was in shock.

One night I woke up at 11 p.m. and went to the living room, and the CPS man who was in charge of watching me asked me if I was hungry. I said yes because I was starving, but also I was excited that I had gone days without eating and I was SKINNNYYYY, so a big part of me wanted to say no. I sat on the couch and he put pancakes in front of me. They were on a paper plate and the syrup had already soaked through. I ate them all so fast and immediately felt like shit because I was no longer SKINNNYYYY. I thanked him, but he suspiciously avoided eye contact. I was used to this treatment by then. Adult men were either sickeningly interested in me or angry at me. They hated my existence. They hated that they were attracted to me, or the world thought they were attracted to me and they resented that assumption. They made up fake scenarios where I humiliated and rejected them in their heads, and I could see those painful scenarios swirling around in their eyeballs. I thought I was imagining all this, but this was also around the time the Internet blew up and I could just… see them say this shit in chat rooms. Cruel Intentions was playing on TV. The actors in the movie were supposed to be my age, but I thought their behavior was terrifying. I didn’t understand their confidence and cruelty. I had never seen a girl my age behave in this way. I have yet to see a teenage girl behave in this way.

Cruel Intentions was written and directed by an adult man named Roger Kumble, who wrote a movie where the girls act out on each other. The film was a huge hit. Turns out that society as a whole agreed with Roger that these female children were evil deviants. They loved his movie because they saw these girls in real life, and they had unbearable thoughts about them too. Roger put his words into the mouths of female children. Then he convinced himself and us that they are the ones who say those words in real life. Cleansed of his sins, he spread this message to millions around the world, the diseased message being that cruel intentions do not belong to adult men but to female children.

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