I'm a Borderline Bitch: A Relationship Workbook (Borderline Treatment, BPD Treatment, BPD girlfriend, BPD boyfriend, partner with BPD) by Borderline Bitch

Author:Borderline Bitch [Bitch, Borderline]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Published: 2015-12-30T16:00:00+00:00

But we were talking about dissociation. I have never felt like I’m watching myself in a movie except in my dreams. Usually, I’m running on automatic pilot and have no clue of what’s happening. No memory of what has occurred. Sometimes I do remember, and I can only think, “What in the world was I saying or doing and why… It really wasn’t me!” It was an unconscious deed I had no conscious control over of any kind.

Like answering to my boss who intimidates me. He asked me one day if I had managed to check those schedules he had asked me about. A simple “yes” would have been sufficient, but I am tied to my logical brain. It told me to go on! Use more energy… Instead I replied, “Now I can access most, just not these, these, and these types. And I printed the ones of the clients coming tomorrow.” He immediately responded, “OK but take a look at them. Don’t just print and give them to colleagues. Find patterns; that’s where it all starts.”

No control. I knew he wanted me to learn about these schedules, yet I could only think about my latest command of my other boss to print them and give them to my colleagues even though I was examining them as well. My unconscious had decided to take over because I couldn’t take the pressure. And you know why? You know why he intimidates me? Not because he stands close and looks deep into my eyes, but because he asked me what my parents do. What kind of shitty question is that on your first day at a new job? Each time I see him, he pushes that button, just because ONCE he asked a question that’s probably perfectly normal in his social circles. His presence brings me straight back to the loser child I was and the loser life I lived.

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