Dave Gorman vs the Rest of the World by Dave Gorman

Author:Dave Gorman
Language: eng
Format: mobi, epub
Tags: Humor, Social Science, Travel, Essays & Travelogues, General, Ethnic Studies
ISBN: 9781407060583
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2011-06-01T23:00:00+00:00

As we strolled through the cool night air, Ben asked me about the games I'd played so far.

'D'y'know what ...' I wobbled drunkenly. 'I played something recently that was like a kid's version of Toad. Flicking plastic discs into a hole.'

'Really?'

'Sort of. Not so much a hole, though - more Emu's beak: Rod Hull's Emu Game.'

'Did I tell you I've written for Emu?' asked Ben.

'Sod off!'

'I have.'

'No way!'

'Yeah.'

'You've written for Rod Hull! I love Rod Hull.'

'No, no ... no ... it wasn't Rod. It was his son, Toby. He did a kid's sitcom for ITV.'

'Hang on.' A startling thought had just landed. So startling I needed to stop and hold on to a lamppost for support. 'That means you've written for Basil Brush and Emu!'

'I know ... I only need to do Sooty and I've got the set.'

'Bloody hell!' My tone of voice was three parts admiration to two parts envy. The slur of my words was five parts rum. 'So, go on then ... what was he like? Toby?'

'I don't know. I worked on it from home. It was weird because Emu is obviously just a pit bull with feathers. But we had to give him a sense of justice. He was allowed to be violent but only if - according to Emu logic - he was on the side of the righteous.'

'How do you mean?'

'Well, we had one scene where Toby goes to show him how a pinata works. He takes one swing at the paper donkey and Emu goes nuts.'

'So Emu was allowed to be violent as long as he was defending a paper donkey?'

'Yeah. That's about the size of it.'

'It's definitely harder writing for kids, then,' I said, stepping into the warm glow of the Elephant and Castle. 'I'll get 'em in. Same again?'

The Elly's table was very different to the one at the Lewes Arms. The lead top was covered in nicks and dents where the toads had clipped it edge on, but it was pretty much level.

'It's a lower-scoring table,' explained Ben. 'Twos are harder to come by but ones are easier ... The best technique here is to get the toad to land flat. Instead of landing straight in the hole, you really want to land just in front of it, with a bit of momentum.'

'You sound like a golfer explaining the way the green plays at St Andrews compared to ... um ... compared to ... er ...' I tried to think of another golf course but nothing came to mind, '... to a course that isn't St Andrews.'

'Well, you do get to know the tables,' said Ben. 'There's this one in Eastbourne with a little nail under the lead in the bottom-left corner. It's a volcano-shaped table like the one at the Arms, but that nail means there's a barely perceptible little lump in the lead. If you get the toad to land just right, so that it slides towards the nail, that's where you score your one.'

'Aaah!' I said, a penny (not a toad) dropping.

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