Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Third Edition, 3rd Edition by Joseph Grenny & Kerry Patterson & Ron McMillan & Al Switzler & Emily Gregory

Author:Joseph Grenny & Kerry Patterson & Ron McMillan & Al Switzler & Emily Gregory [Joseph Grenny]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: McGraw-Hill
Published: 2021-10-25T16:00:00+00:00

WRITE IT TWICE

Thus far, we’ve been sharing examples of how to create or restore safety in a conversation that’s happening face-to-face (in person or online) or, at the very least, on the phone. But what about safety in written communication like email or text?

Well, hold on to your seats for this one . . . because it turns out that you create safety in written communication the same way you do in face-to-face conversation. Yep, if you are emailing another human being and want to create safety for the person, the key is to remember that you are emailing another human being. And then create safety by sharing your good intent, because that’s what makes it safe for human beings. Revolutionary, we know.

The core conditions of safety don’t change based on the medium. If I know you care about me (Mutual Respect) and I know you care about what I care about (Mutual Purpose), I’ll feel safe with you, whether conversing face-to-face or reading an email. The key difference in email and other written communication is that it is even more essential to verbalize your good intent.

In face-to-face conversation, we share our intent with both words (we apologize, contrast, etc.) and nonverbals (our tone of voice, our body language, eye contact, etc.). When visual cues are removed, it becomes even more essential to use our words to communicate our intent.

Problematically, at the moment that it’s most important to remember, we forget that we’re communicating with a human being who needs to feel safe. After all, no one else is around. It’s just us and our keyboard, and we are typing away.

So here’s a tip for making sure you communicate intent when typing a crucial message to someone: Write it twice. First, write the message to get your content across. Once you have your content down, consider how your intent is coming across. Read the message slowly, imagining the other person’s face. How might the person feel at each point in your message? Then rewrite it with safety in mind. Notice places someone may misunderstand your intentions or your respect, and clarify what you do and don’t intend for them to hear. In less formal, more personal relationships, you may even want to describe the facial expression you’re wearing as you write something just to make your intent even clearer. For example, “If you could see my face right now as I write this, you’d probably see the wrinkles in my worried forehead as I hope that my message isn’t coming across as harsh or critical.”

We tend to think of asynchronous, written communication as a distant second-best when it comes to having Crucial Conversations. And in most ways, it is. However, there is one advantage to asynchronous communication if you are savvy enough to use it. With virtual communication, like email, you get your second chance before you need it, before you even messed up. Rather than saying something and then thinking, “I could have said that better,” you get to write something and then reread it before you ever send it.

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