52 Times Britain Was a Bellend : The History You Didnt Get Taught at School (9780751578843) by Felton James

Author:Felton, James
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780751578843
Publisher: Hachette Book Group USA

Committed rape and murder

You won’t be shocked to learn that the guy who ordered slaughters of thousands of men was also rumoured to have committed rapes and to have murdered his own subjects. You can see why he’s limited to a very short cameo in the Disney version of Robin Hood.

WE BURNED A NATIVE AMERICAN VILLAGE TO THE GROUND BECAUSE WE SUSPECTED THEM OF STEALING A CUP

In 1585, Sir Richard Grenville headed an expedition to establish a permanent colony in what is now North Carolina. Richard and the crew landed on Roanoke Island, where they were guided by Manteo, the chief of a local tribe (who had made the mistake of befriending the English and travelling with us to England on several occasions, making him far less suspicious of the cunts who would one day go on to kill his mother).

Richard and a group of colonists were shown around by Manteo. They came to a friendly village, full of peaceful villagers who belonged to the Aquascogoc tribe. The villagers and colonists watched each other with interest, as the colonists were prepared a feast of soft-shell crab, soups, berries, beans and cornbread.

After several days of being entertained and fed, Grenville returned to his ship. There he found that the worst had happened. It’s not clear how he figured it out, whether he always counted his crockery during the night just in case, but at some point, Grenville discovered that a cup was missing. Realising that his crew had been hosted and fed well, and the Aquascogoc may have seen it as a trade, or that maybe he’d dropped the cup somewhere so screw it, Grenville decided to let it slide.

I’m just kidding. Grenville headed back to the village, fully prepared to burn it to the fucking ground.

Grenville’s men met the villagers on the shore and demanded the cup back, with no evidence that it hadn’t just been misplaced. The villagers promised to return the cup, but by sunset the colonists remained cupless (apart from all the countless other cups in their possession).

So in what I’m sure you’ll agree is an entirely proportionate response to having to drink from a slightly different cup, Grenville and his men ‘burnt, and spoiled [the villagers’] corn, and town, all the people being fled’.

You’ll be happy to note that later on, in a separate attack, Manteo’s mum was also killed by the English.

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