Who Am I If You're Not You? by Lynn Thorne

Author:Lynn Thorne [Thorne, Lynn]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub
Publisher: Mascot Books
Published: 2017-11-12T16:00:00+00:00

Jennifer returned to her job at the cardiologists’ office, glad to be back. Life was as it should be, her stint in the hospital just a bad dream that derailed her from her life. She craved her normal routine and eagerly sank right back into it: work, workouts, and all. Old habits die hard, as they say, and Jen took comfort in once again taking control over how, and how much, she ate.

She found new ways to keep her calorie intake down. She’d skip breakfast entirely, striving to make it to lunch before she put anything in her body. One p.m. became her new goal. If she held out that long, she could keep her numbers down for the day, eating less and losing the weight they’d made her gain at the hospital.

Jen also set a new calorie goal for herself: 600 calories a day. Her time at Shephard Pratt had changed nothing. Not only was she no better off mentally than when she went in, she was too sick physically to change anything about it.

This period of time—this obsession with her body, her weight, herself—was good for one thing: it allowed her to block out Marc and everything to do with transitions, hormones, and anything else going on in her life. She didn’t have to pretend it wasn’t there; she didn’t have the mental capacity to even think about it. Her brain, operating at such a deficit because of her diet, wouldn’t allow it. She only had enough energy to obsess about food.

*****

“Jen, may I speak with you please.” Lydia issued an order, not a question. Jennifer had been out of the hospital and back at work for exactly one week.

“Sure.” Dread filled her instantly. Lydia’s prepared speech was totally unnecessary. Jen knew what she was going to say before she said it.

“I’m afraid we’re going to have to let you go. Your … situation … is affecting the office. I can’t have co-workers distracted by what is happening to you personally. I have a check here for two weeks’ salary.”

Jennifer took it wordlessly. She was defeated. Embarrassed. And too sick to care too much.

*****

It took just two weeks before Jennifer found herself back at the hospital again. Filling out the same ridiculous, know-nothing forms. Meeting the same stupid doctors and therapists. Greeting the familiar patients that either hadn’t left yet or had already checked back in like her. Sarah was still there. So was Catherine. Nothing had changed.

It was déjà vu.

*****

Tomorrow

I only hate today,

What tomorrow will be worse.

This life that was so beautiful has now become a curse.

I curse the day that I was born,

Into this life i hate.

i curse the day that i will die

A disappointment i will make.

I never thought i’d live this long,

To suffer every day.

i thought that i would long be gone;

down with my life i lay.

I curse the moments of happiness

For they are only a nasty trick.

I curse love and life and beauty

That make my mind so sick.

*****

Meal times at the hospital sucked.

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