Thirst by Amélie Nothomb

Author:Amélie Nothomb
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Europa Editions
Published: 2021-03-04T00:00:00+00:00

The daughters of Jerusalem crowd around me, weeping. I try to get them to dry their tears:

“Come now, it’s just a bad spell to get through, it will all work out.”

I don’t believe a word I’m saying. It won’t work out, it will only get worse. It’s just that their sobs won’t let me breathe. How can we help someone? Certainly not by crying in front of them. Simon helped me, Veronica helped me. Neither one of them was crying. Nor did they have grins on their faces: they were taking concrete steps.

No, I do not prefer women. I think they protect me. I cannot attribute that to anything other than the sweetness of my behavior toward them, which is not normal practice among men in these parts.

Need I point out that I do not prefer men, either? There are certain verbs I avoid, such as prefer, or replace—people have no idea how alike these verbs are. I’ve seen people fight in order to be preferred, never realizing that this merely makes them replaceable.

One day, people will claim that no one is irreplaceable. That is the contrary of my message. The love that consumes me asserts that every individual is irreplaceable. It is appalling to know in advance that my ordeal is serving no purpose.

That’s not altogether true. A few individuals will understand. I cannot rule out the fact that they won’t need my sacrifice for that. I’ll never know. Better not to let it fill me with bitterness, which would only make my fate even more terrible.

Strange thoughts come to you when you are dragging a cross along like this. It’s an exaggeration to call them thoughts, they are merely snatches, short-circuits. What I am carrying is far too heavy for me. I have never felt so wretched.

It’s a pity I did not know this sooner: to carry only a light burden is sufficient as an ideal in life. An incredible lesson which will be of no use to me. I recall spending entire days on the road, congratulating myself on my happiness over nothing. I wasn’t happy over nothing. I was savoring lightness.

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