The Space between Here & Now by Sarah Suk

Author:Sarah Suk
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2023-08-02T00:00:00+00:00

FROM THE PAGES OF AIMEE’S JOURNAL

* * *

THINGS I DON’T KNOW

- Can you see other time travelers in your memories?

- Who is the woman in the white coat?

- What if it was my mom?

- Am I losing my mind?

Fifteen

Could it be her?

I stay up all night wondering.

I don’t know how it’s possible. I’ve never seen anyone in my memory visits before who wasn’t supposed to be there, so I feel like my mind is jumping to wild conclusions. I’m reaching. I know I am.

But what if I’m not?

What if it really is her?

I scour the STWS forums for answers, but there isn’t as much discussion as I hoped there would be on seeing out-of-place people in your memories. There is, however, a reminder about the STWS meetup happening this Saturday.

Talking to Gomo today made me realize just how lonely I am. It feels like such a strange thing to say when I’m surrounded by kind people. The sujebi in my belly and the forget-me-not in my journal are just two small examples of that. I could call Nikita at any time and I know she would answer. Even now, my phone is pinging with texts from her, asking if I’m free to talk. And as distant as Appa is, I know Gomo’s right when she says he’s coming from a place where he cares. It feels almost ungrateful to be lonely when I have all of this in my life.

So I keep it to myself—that heavy feeling that at the end of the day, when I disappear, I disappear alone—because I don’t want to be a burden with my heaviness when it feels as though I shouldn’t be heavy at all, that all the good in my life should outweigh the bad.

What do I really have to complain about?

Why do I feel so sad?

I stare at the meetup information on my phone. It could help. Meeting other people with STWS. Even reading comments online makes me feel less alone. Maybe going to this meeting and talking to strangers in person is a leap I need to take.

The image of the woman in the white coat standing at the water comes back to me again. And I can’t help but think, she might understand. If anyone in the world, she might.

I turn off the light, crawl into bed. I came to Korea to find answers, but all I’ve found so far are more questions.

A plan slowly begins to form in my head as I drift off to sleep.

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will find some answers.

Friday morning, I head back toward Seoul Forest.

I’ve never tried to go back to the past on purpose before. I don’t tell anyone about it. Not Gomo, or even Nikita, whose texts I still haven’t answered. It feels almost shameful, like I’m doing something I definitely shouldn’t be doing. And maybe I am. Maybe after all my talk about how I want to stop disappearing, I’m contradicting myself by doing the exact opposite now.

But I have to know. I have to see her again.

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