The Sex Lives of African Women by Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah

Author:Nana Darkoa Sekyiamah
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Little, Brown Book Group
Published: 2021-07-21T22:00:00+00:00

Gabriela

Gabriela is a forty-year-old Afro-descendent lesbian woman from Guanacaste, on the Pacific coast of Costa Rica. In this story she shares about going through a process of spiritual cleansing which has enabled her to be in a relationship which is not contaminated by a stereotypical notion of ‘romantic love’.

Sex is overrated. Just look at it from a social point of view. Sex is only one way of connecting with a person, yet everybody seems so fixated with it. What I think is important is to be on a journey of understanding oneself as capable of pleasure and connections in many different ways. This includes allowing yourself to experience pleasure in a variety of forms which can of course include sex. This also allows you to form close connections with a sexual partner when you choose to have one. So for me, sex is an important part of a loving, romantic, sexual relationship but it’s not everything. It’s as important as other types of connections which can be emotional, intellectual or political. This includes friendship which I consider key to a strong sexual connection.

Giving pleasure to myself looks different every day. At its most basic it’s eating well, drinking enough water, keeping my environment clean, and doing things that I like to do. Sometimes that’s watching TV, other times it’s using essential oils or buying flowers. When it comes to sex there are always new things to discover by experimenting with yourself. Touching yourself – and not just your genitalia, your whole body – can be an experience of pleasure. Massaging your head, rubbing oils into your skin, experiencing a nice scent. Practising self-pleasure in a more holistic way also connects us more deeply to major sources of pleasure like the genitalia and clitoris. Every time you experiment with yourself you discover new ways of experiencing pleasure.

It took me a while to get comfortable with sex toys. I bought my first sex toy years ago and told my boyfriend, ‘Hey, I want to experiment with this new sex toy that I have.’ In response, he lost his erection. He thought that meant I wasn’t satisfied with our sex life, and subsequently couldn’t maintain a hard-on during our encounters. Unconsciously that experience put me off sex toys and it was only recently that I bought some new toys. I bought them in anticipation of a trip to Brazil to visit my girlfriend but that trip didn’t happen because of Covid-19. When I told her I was thinking of buying sex toys she got very excited because she’d never used toys before and said she wanted to experience them with me. I sent her the pictures of the ones that I was considering buying and together we chose a vibrator and strap-on. And then the global health pandemic happened and now neither of us can travel. It also took ages for my sex toys to arrive. When I received the package, we got on a video call so I could show her the toys as I unboxed them.

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