The Nerdiest, Wimpiest, Dorkiest I Funny Ever by James Patterson & Chris Grabenstein

The Nerdiest, Wimpiest, Dorkiest I Funny Ever by James Patterson & Chris Grabenstein

Author:James Patterson & Chris Grabenstein [Patterson, James & Grabenstein, Chris]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Juvenile Fiction, Humorous Stories, Social Themes, Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, Special Needs, Family, Alternative Family
ISBN: 9780316349611
Google: no3ItAEACAAJ
Amazon: 0316349615
Barnesnoble: 0316349615
Publisher: Little, Brown
Published: 2018-05-07T05:00:00+00:00


While I’m sitting in the wings, totally enjoying Jean-Claude’s silent antics, Stevie, my “bodyguard,” comes over.

“I just met Vasily Vasilovich, the Russian dude,” he says.

“And?”

Stevie smiles proudly.

“He reminds me of the old me.”

Uh-oh.

This can’t be good.

Chapter 38

EXTREMELY COLD WAR

As the master of ceremonies, it’s my job to introduce Vasily.

My flop sweat has flop sweat. I haven’t met the Dzerzhinsk Destroyer in person yet. He’s been holed up in his dressing room since he arrived at the theater.

I’m so nervous, I give Vasily the lamest introduction I think I’ve ever given. “Ladies and gentlemen, there’s no time for ‘Stalin,’ so I’m ‘Russian’ to bring out our next comic, wh—”

One of the judges bops his buzzer. They only use those when they think an act totally stinks. So far, I’m the first one to get a SKRONK.

“Oh-kay,” I say. “W-w-w-without further ado, here he is, straight from Russia, your friend and mine—well, to be honest, I’ve never actually met the guy, so he’s not really my friend—”

SKRONK!

A second judge gives me a buzzer.

I cut to the chase.

“Vasily Vasilovich!”

I roll offstage as quickly as I can with sweat-soaked palms. My hands keep slipping on the rubber as Vasily struts onto the stage, making a grand entrance to the Red Army Men’s Chorus singing something so heroically sad it could be from the soundtrack to a Russian submarine movie.

“Good evening, my friends,” he says, grabbing the microphone. “Thank you for that wonderful introduction, Jamie Greem. Wait. Check that. I meant to say, ‘Thank you for that terrible, horrible, no-good, stinky introduction.’ Can you believe this guy? Jamie Greem is supposed to be the funniest kid comic on the planet? Which planet are we talking about here? Pluto? Someplace uninhabited? If you laugh in the vast vacuum of space, does anybody hear you? Jamie Greem will never know. Even if he goes into space, no one will laugh at his jokes. I know, I know. Jamie’s fans are all saying, ‘You will never find anyone like him.’ Precisely. That’s the point. Who would want to?”

The audience is chuckling. Me? I’m sort of hiding in the shadows offstage.



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