I Dink, Therefore I Am by Frank Cerabino

Author:Frank Cerabino
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: pickleball, humor, pickleball humor
Publisher: Frank Cerabino
Published: 2021-10-13T00:00:00+00:00

5

Home Court Advantage

At first blush, it seemed like I had everything I needed when it came to pickleball “merch.”

I climbed the economic ladder of paddles from an Amazon basic, to a mid-range Onix to a $200 Selkirk model. So, I’m good in the paddle department—at least until some over-hyped, heavily promoted $250 model hits the market with an endorsement by some pro who is half my age and says the new paddle has added two miles an hour to his volleys.

I’m a sucker for what has best been described as “the tyranny of small differences.” I’m like one of those road cyclists who would spend hundreds of dollars extra on a tiny, lightweight titanium part for the bike, even though losing five pounds of belly fat would have far more dramatic results.

I can’t log onto the Internet now without seeing some popup ad for pickleball-related merchandise I’ve perused and, like a lingering cough, can’t shake.

I’ve bought court shoes in different colors to match the numerous shirts and shorts combinations I started ordering from Adidas, Fila, Nike, Prince and the rest.

But I’m still a little light on deep hues of green. And who knew how many shades of blue there were?

I’ve got an array of SPS-50 long-sleeved sun shirts in a rainbow of colors and a dozen various-hued ball caps to go along with them. And that doesn’t count my two formal, not-for-play pickleball ball caps, the ones I wear when grocery shopping—my Boca Raton Pickleball Club cap and the novelty one that says “Just Dink It”, with an embroidered yellow pickleball on the front.

Represent!

I also keep buying color-matching sport sunglasses in a way that suggests I may never conclude my search for the perfect pair. As a result I have a rabbit warren’s worth of sunglasses, 20 pairs of them at last count. They’ve taken over the top of my dresser and have begun spilling out from under my tumbling mountain of ball caps.

Over the past year, I have also discovered the world of pickleball literature, which ranges from serious how-to books to ones that seem almost exclusively dedicated to making wisecracks about “the kitchen.”

For my bathroom reading, pickleball has created a toilet-tank shift from poetry compilations and crossword puzzles to the latest issue of Pickleball Magazine and the eminently re-readable “The Art of Pickleball—Techniques and Strategies for Everyone” by Gale Leach.

The way I see it, I’m destined to either improve my game or develop hemorrhoids.

OK, what else? I have a tennis-ball hopper full of pickleballs for practice drills. Nothing fancy. Just something left over from one of my kids’ old tennis days.

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t eyed the Lobster “Two Pickle” Ball Machine, a 42-pound rolling contraption that employs “2-line oscillation and electronic elevation.”

I have no idea what that means, but it sounds like something I ought to have. And so does the idea of remotely firing 135 pickleballs from its wheelbarrow-sized well, with all sorts of spins and maximum ball speeds of 60 miles an hour.

But, I’m hitting the pause button on the Lobster for now.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.