How Not to Fall in Love by Jacqueline Firkins

Author:Jacqueline Firkins
Language: eng
Format: epub, pdf
ISBN: 9780358467168
Publisher: HMH Books
Published: 2021-12-21T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

We leave our shoes and boots near the rest of our gear just outside the tent. I climb in first, tucking myself between two blankets so one provides a little padding and the other cuts the slight chill of the night air. The tent canvas still smells like mildew, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be, maybe because of the fresh air, maybe because of the mead. Theo hands me his flashlight. I set it in the corner, pointing the beam upward so we get the most light. Thank god we’re allowed a few anachronisms. I never would’ve made it to the tent from the campfire, not unless Theo tossed me over his shoulder and carried me, which he threatened to do after I stumbled for the third or fourth time.

While I lie down and shimmy backwards, Theo crawls in and lets the tent flap fall shut behind him. He pauses, scratching at the back of his neck, his expression uncertain. I hold up the edge of the blanket, inviting him in.

“You’re sure?” he asks.

I nod. He awkwardly stretches out beside me in a space that’s clearly meant for one. We shuffle until we’re facing each other with a single pillow under our heads and our faces only inches apart. Our toes touch and our knees wedge together. We snuggle all the time, but I don’t remember being so aware of his toes before. Or his knees. Or the speed at which his chest rises and falls compared to my own. Or the distinct curl of his upper lashes as they shift above his unsettled eyes. For the first time ever, I’m not sure how to fit my body against his. The mead isn’t helping. Neither are lingering thoughts about want and distractions and not knowing and big, complicated words like together.

Almost instantly, my left arm gets pins and needles, so I free it from where it’s tucked under my side, wiggling my fingers in the limited space between us.

“I don’t know what to do with this,” I say.

Theo rests my palm against his chest. “Here’s good.”

I hold up my right hand. “And this one?”

“Wherever it’s comfortable.”

I set it on my thigh, but I feel like a packed sausage. I tuck it in against my collarbone, but that’s even worse. At a loss for other options, I set it on Theo’s hip.

“Is this okay?” I ask.

He nods as he rests his arm atop mine and wraps his hand over my shoulder. I shift, searching for space that isn’t there. The flashlight tips over and rolls toward the side of the tent, dimming our light. I move to adjust it, but Theo holds me in place.

“Leave it,” he says. “We don’t need it.”

I settle back into position and realize he’s right. The softer light’s nice. I can still see his features but in a dreamy, hazy way that suits my state of mind. As we lie quietly, my thoughts wander to his knees and his hands and his heart beating beneath my palm.

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