Good Girl Bad by S.A. McEwen

Author:S.A. McEwen [McEwen, S.A.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780645211009
Published: 2022-01-10T23:00:00+00:00

24

Two Months Earlier

Tabby is super careful writing anything down.

She doesn’t share anything that could be identifying. But sometimes she just needs to write her thoughts out, trying to work them out. She always feels better at the end of a writing session.

She hates the word diary. Diary sounds like something a nine-year-old would keep. Whining and bitching. She thinks what she does is something far superior to that.

Now, she writes: I think he really loves me. I think I can finally leave this shithole and be free. We made love today in his bed, and it was kind of gross being in her bed, and I did feel kind of guilty, because separation is hard for kids, we should know, and I feel bad about that, God.

Poor Gen.

So…her bed. So weird. But she never wants to make love to him anymore, he told me it’s been years, which is so surprising, because they’ve always been so touchy, for as long as I can remember, but I suppose they maybe just love each other like friends, not lovers.

Lovers.

Her stomach flip flops all over the place when she thinks about his tongue on her nipples, the way he stares into her eyes as he touches her, like he wants to know all of her, inside and out. She’s never felt so seen, so known.

She thinks she could tell him anything.

I had another fight with Mom, she writes. I think I’m starting to work it out. It’s not just that she has a temper. It’s when I stand up to her. Or when she feels rejected. I can see it come across her face. It’s fury, yes, but it’s also first this tiny flicker of something else. Desperation? Panic? It’s like she feels something bad, and so she has to make me feel worse, and that makes her bad feelings go away. I used to think it was me, that I did something wrong, I’d try so hard to fix it. I’d cry at her feet, literally, like she winded me, like I couldn’t breathe, because it was so unexpected, so out of the blue, it was bewildering, her words were always so violent, so painful. And I’d tiptoe around her for weeks, terrified of it happening again, never knowing when it would come out of nowhere and knock me out.

But now I think I know the pattern. I’ve even tested it a bit. Seen her getting agitated, and said exactly the thing that I think will tip her over the edge, and it’s worked every time.

Leroy has a heart attack, poor soul. He can see what I’m doing, even if my mother can’t.

But because I can see it coming, it doesn’t knock the wind out of me. It’s almost funny. I feel like I’m in control now. It’s always been her, controlling me, and I’ve jumped through every damn hoop she’s held up to me, like a stupid little lapdog. Jump, jump, jump. When I think about it now, it seems crazy. It’s not like she ever hit me.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.