Don't Smoke in Bed by Squire Aurin;

Author:Squire, Aurin;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oberon Books

SCENE FOUR: UNDER THE SHEETS

RICHARD and SHERYL are in bed fully dressed and on top of the bedspread. SHERYL has a stack of question notecards in her hands.

RICHARD: Are you sure this is respectable?

SHERYL: Of course. It’s for the Times.

RICHARD: Suppose you’re right. Not like this is for the Post.

SHERYL: Yeah, then it would have to be softcore. But they just want something for Sunday Magazine. Now she’s going to take a picture of us. Smile.

They freeze. Sounds of webcam clicking into picture mode.

RICHARD: This is very John and Yoko-like. Are we going to have a love-in on web camera?

SHERYL: No, but she thought it would be best to try an interview in the bed. To talk about our love life. Are you sure this is going to be tasteful?

RICHARD: Of course honey. Haven’t you ever read Penthouse Letters?

SHERYL: Seriously.

RICHARD: She has done a very fine, tasteful job so far making us look like intelligent, respectable, people. I’m sure she’ll parse it out. We can trust her. So…our love life.

SHERYL: What love life?

RICHARD: We have sex.

SHERYL looks at her. He folds his arms and stares ahead.

RICHARD: You want more sex?

SHERYL: That’s not what I’m saying.

RICHARD: Come on, we can do it right now.

SHERYL: The question was about our love life and that isn’t just how many ejaculations a man has in a week. It’s about intimacy. Spending time together.

RICHARD: And orgasms.

SHERYL: …yes, orgasms too. But I think the question is about how is our sex life different from others. Everyone has orgasms. How are ours different?

RICHARD: You mean, what separates us from the pack of missionary-position, hetero-normative, racially homogenous androids?

Once you go Jamaican…you’re backside will be aching.

SHERYL: Once you go White, you do it all night.

RICHARD: Once you go Rasta, you’ll always eat da’ pasta.

SHERYL: I don’t get it. Once you go Caucasian…um…

RICHARD: Yeah, you’re not getting out of that one.

SHERYL: Once you go Anglo…ahhh, that’s just as bad.

RICHARD: We are playful.

SHERYL: What?

RICHARD: That’s what makes us different. We are still playful together in bed. It’s the only time we’re still silly together. We let our hair down and just flow.

SHERYL: In bed we’re half our age. It’s our fountain of youth. I just wish we spent more time in bed together. Before and after.

RICHARD: (They kiss.) We can do that.

SHERYL: Yeah?

RICHARD: (Kiss.) I just didn’t want to wear you out.

SHERYL: Richard!

RICHARD: What?

SHERYL: You can’t talk like that. We’re not tenured yet!

RICHARD: (Coughs and shakes himself out with sobering thoughts.) Baseball, the Queen, tax codes. There. I’m all better.

SHERYL: Besides who are you talking to, Mister? I can go longer than you.

RICHARD: You can not!

SHERYL: What about that time in the Virginia?

RICHARD: I drank three hot toddy’s beforehand. That’s not fair. Warm apple cider and bourbon.

SHERYL: What are you, an old White hick from Kentucky? Only seventy-year-old Civil War re-enactors drink hot toddy.

RICHARD: A bourbon hot toddy is very cozy. It’s like drinking a blanket.

SHERYL: Blankets are for babies and old ladies. Are we getting old?

RICHARD: We were more adventurous when we used to smoke.

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