Don't Beat Yourself Up by Tania Bright

Author:Tania Bright
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Lion Hudson
Published: 2015-08-05T00:00:00+00:00

Sexual apathy in a relationship is very painful. Not just for the person struggling with the “loss” of something they may have once found joy-filled (or indeed, they may in fact never have experienced desire), but also, it may be emotionally painful for the partner (perhaps predominantly so). It takes a strong relationship to be able to weather situational or general sexual inhibition; both parties must be prepared to talk at all costs, and regularly, to get through this!

Sex forms part of our relational glue, and in the most appropriate way, if in a committed and monogamous relationship – it ties two souls together, as we’ll discuss later in this chapter. It creates a deep bond. A God-ordained exclusivity between two people is precious. Without this glue, it’s incredibly easy to become detached from the other partner. If one party refuses to talk, face the situation, or make genuine effort to show physical, if not sexual touch, while the apathy is present – then there’s a recipe for disaster ahead.

Conflict and contempt within the relationship can often be cited as the reason why sex is withheld. There’s a parody of the frustrated, tired, grumpy wife, who is sick of her husband and so avoids sex at all costs, both out of contempt for him and to punish him. Headache after headache, she rolls over on her side when any intimate advances are made by him as a sort of “protest” at how inept he is.

What may surprise us is how many wives share with me that the same is also true of their husbands. When I dig a little deeper, it is intriguing. In general, the women who are shunned sexually by their partners are all capable women; having partnered not because they needed a mate, but because they wanted a mate – there’s a huge difference. A number of women have shared that they have been accused of “causing” the issue by not being attentive enough to their partner, with one sharing that she was told she was too “independent” and that as a result he had withdrawn sexually. The women I have spoken to have also shared that their respective roles within the marriage are confusing and they don’t feel able to operate to their full potential.

The men I’ve spoken to have expressed that “she’s always ‘at me’”; “she’s never happy”; “she’s gained too much weight”; “she’s too focused on the children”; “she’s trying to be too controlling”. I wonder what the real issue might be here. There’s certainly something around a “competition” of the “sexes”. Neither party feels fulfilled and secure. The male isn’t celebrated or understood and therefore the female is rejected and becomes more bitter, which in turn amplifies her negative behaviours. The female isn’t celebrated or understood and therefore the male is rejected and becomes more withdrawn, which in turn amplifies his negative behaviours. Everyone is losing out. Any couple facing these dilemmas has but one option if there is any chance of the relationship to be redeemed: to deeply and meaningfully communicate about what’s really going on.

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