Discomfortable by A.J. Bond

Author:A.J. Bond [,]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781623175573
Publisher: North Atlantic Books

Choice

“But what if someone actually does something bad? We’re just going to give them full worthiness anyway? Then why am I bothering to be such a good person?!”

Sometimes we cling to shame’s messages of unworthiness for fear that without them we will have no incentive to be good people anymore. Or perhaps more to the point, we fear that without shame’s threatening messages of potential unworthiness, others will have no incentive to be good people anymore. But I don’t think either of these scenarios is true.

First of all, the unpleasant feeling of shame isn’t going anywhere. It’s a primary emotion. We will continue to feel that visceral reminder that we value competence, that we care about others, and that we thrive in groups every time we experience disconnection or fail to live up to our own expectations. But that doesn’t mean we also need to believe the toxic interpretation of shame affect that says we are different, bad, and alone. Nor do we need to overtly shame others. There’s a distinct difference between the innate shame we all naturally feel inside and the explicit shaming that is directed at us by other people or by culture at large. Our innate shame can often be healthy and useful, whereas external shaming rarely is (unless it’s directed at nonhumans—corporations, institutions, or governments).

Admittedly, in some ways, shaming people can be a powerful way to enforce our morals and cultural norms, but that’s just because toxic shame, like all violence, is a powerful way to enforce anything. Shame is a form of trauma, after all, and trauma lessons are painful, absorbed immediately, and remain effective on a near-permanent basis. The problem is, that the lesson of toxic shame isn’t, “Do the right thing”; it’s actually, “Do what you’re told!” So a culture of toxic shame may be a good way to keep people from breaking the law, but it’s also a good way to accidentally trap them in mindlessly following the often-superficial values of mainstream pop culture. I think the question is, do we value obedience or independent thought?

This question often brings up a glaring disparity between what we want for ourselves and what we want for others. I think most people would agree that they value independent thought for themselves. But when it comes to others, we often fear that they will adopt the wrong independent thoughts. What if they use their independent thinking to think different things than we do!? What if they decide the earth is flat? Or that vaccines cause autism? Or that cats are better than dogs? When we don’t trust or respect other people’s right to make their own decisions, shaming them into adopting ours seems like a useful strategy.

But the truth is that people are always making their own decisions anyway, it’s just that shame sometimes tricks us into thinking we don’t have a choice. Shame, in my culture, says you shouldn’t have a choice over whether you vaccinate your children, because we believe vaccines are relatively safe and the alternative endangers everyone.

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