The Book of Queer Prophets by Ruth Hunt

Author:Ruth Hunt [Hunt, Ruth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 2020-04-14T17:00:00+00:00

I knew I was different, and that difference was wrong, it seemed to me.

GARRY

The Gay Centurion?

I was in my late teens and, after years of knowing I was queer and having only told one friend my own age, I decided I needed help to deal with what I was going through. I chose to tell a trusted older, Christian, female friend. We were in her kitchen and after psyching myself up I blurted out: ‘I’m struggling with homosexuality!’ There was a change in her face I really didn’t like. She asked me what I meant and I needlessly clarified with, ‘Well, I’m sexually attracted to men …’ There was a long silence as she huffed and puffed and leaned over the draining board and looked out the kitchen window. After what felt like an age she asked, ‘Well, where does that leave you working with children in the church nursery or doing Sunday school?’ I felt punched.

Growing up queer, I just knew that I was different – not that I had words to describe or make sense of what I was feeling. I preferred the company of girls and women; I looked at men and boys with awe and felt stirred when I thought of Tom Selleck’s hairy chest in the 1980s TV classic Magnum, P.I. As a small boy I hero-worshipped Hans, the handsome Swiss man who lived next door to us, and secretly wanted to marry him. Eventually, as my teen years dawned, I just downright fancied the boys around me at school.

I learned shame as a queer child; I said things that other children picked up on and mocked me for. My effeminacy and preference for girls’ toys was shamed by those around me. I knew I was different, and that difference was wrong, it seemed to me.

Just as I was realising that what I ‘was’ had a label, I became a Christian. I found love and acceptance in the Church. I had been a solitary child, bullied and with only one or two friends. The Church offered me an instant expansion of my social network, friends my own age and older people who were delighted to welcome me into the community. Inevitably though, I began to see that the Church had something to say on the secret I was keeping – I felt more faulty than I had before and my huge shame deepened. So I tried to force myself to fantasise about women. I would watch the shows of the women I fancied most, from Oprah Winfrey to Dr Beverly Crusher in Star Trek: The Next Generation – needless to say, it wasn’t the most convincing of efforts …

Over the years I’ve been prayed for many times, mostly in the language of seeking God’s help for change, but I’ve also had two exorcisms attempted on me. I’d been to meetings and rallies at conference centres and large Pentecostal churches and in my time witnessed several exorcisms. They utterly terrified and intrigued me in equal measure.

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