Stories to Make You Smile by Owen Elaine & Owen Elaine

Author:Owen, Elaine & Owen, Elaine
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-05-21T00:00:00+00:00

And Then The Murders Started

Years ago there was a meme going around the internet. It urged readers to take the second sentence of their favorite book and swap it out for, “And then the murders started.” Much hilarity ensued, but none more than when applied to Pride and Prejudice. This is a short story with lots of satire, and not for readers with a poor sense of humor!

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

And then the murders started.

The very first person to be offed was the lovely Miss King, who had recently been found to have not only a charming disposition and a beautiful figure, but also a boatload of inherited money. The whole neighborhood was abuzz when they heard of her untimely exit from not just the neighborhood of Meryton, but also of this entire earthly dimension.

“The manner of Miss King’s death suggests a female murderess,” Mr. Bennet said with calm interest as he sat with his family at the breakfast table on the day after the horrible event.

“Oh, do not be so silly!” Mrs. Bennet exclaimed. “Just because Miss King was found dead at the bottom of the staircase with a pair of sewing scissors protruding from her chest does not mean that a lady did the deed! Anyone could have chosen that instrument. And besides, a lady would have made sure that the blood from the wound did not drip onto the carpet in such a disgusting way. No, I believe a man is to blame.”

“Nasty, freckled little thing,” Lydia laughed. “What do we care how she died, or who killed her? That just leaves more men for the rest of us!”

“I am sure whoever killed Miss King did not mean to do it,” Jane said sweetly, in her usual slightly dense way. “More than likely it was an accident. In fact, now that I think of it, Miss King was probably running with scissors through her parents' home in the middle of the night and tripped over the top step before landing on the floor below with a broken neck and multiple bruises on her face and body. And scissors standing straight up in her chest, of course,” she added, frowning slightly. Then she thought of Mr. Bingley, with whom she had just fallen in love last week, and smiled.

“An eligible young man is always considered the rightful property of at least one of the families in the neighborhood,” said Elizabeth, “and Mr. Bingley just moved here. It stands to reason, therefore, that one of those families must have had their hand in Miss King’s untimely demise. They would stand to gain the most if they succeeded in removing the competition.”

“But Lizzy!” exclaimed Kitty. “That would mean that Jane—“ She broke off in horror, staring at her oldest sister as the thought occurred to her. Jane was still staring vacantly into space.

“Nonsense!” Elizabeth replied stoutly, though she did look at Jane suspiciously for a moment.

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