Say It Out Loud by Allison Varnes

Author:Allison Varnes [Varnes, Allison]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Children's Books
Published: 2021-08-24T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

Mom and I have an early mother-daughter dinner because Dad had to stay late at work today for a meeting.

I wonder where Maddie’s notebook is now. I roll my carrots around on the plate, separating them from the pile of peas.

“Charlotte.”

“Hmm?”

“Give peas a chance.”

I give Mom a half smile. Maddie’s pages will be all over the school tomorrow. Oh no. They could be online. I didn’t even think about that. If she ever needed a friend, it’s right now.

Mom frowns. “Aren’t you the least bit excited?”

“About what?”

She feels my forehead with her hand. “Are you sick?”

“No.” But I feel like human garbage. Does that count?

“Wicked! It’s tomorrow night!”

“OH! It is! I completely forgot!”

Mom shakes her head.

As soon as dinner’s over, I call Maddie’s cell. It goes straight to voice mail, which never happens. I frown and dial her parents’ number. The phone rings twice, and her mom answers.

“Hi, um, is Maddie there?”

There’s a pause. “Charlotte Andrews, is that you?” In the background, I hear Maddie say, “What! Charlotte?”

It’s not too late. I can hang up the phone right now and pretend this never happened. But I won’t, because I can’t get Maddie’s haunted, panicked eyes out of my mind. What was it Ms. Harper said? Tell the truth. Make it count. I brace myself. “Yes.”

“Hey, hon.” Maddie’s mom clears her throat. “I heard you had a rough time.”

I gulp. I wonder how much Maddie told her. “Yeah.” I say. “It’s, er, different now.”

As if she just read my mind, Maddie’s mom says, “Charlotte.” I don’t know how moms do it, but they can say my name and have it mean much more. It’s just one word, but when she says it, it’s like she’s saying, Sweetheart, I know there’s more to it than that. And then she actually says, “I know all about it.”

My heart plummets through the floor. I knew it. “You d-d-do?”

“Of course I do. Maddie told me.” Her voice is gentle. “She’s been having a hard time, too. Why don’t you sit with her again?”

I hug my knees to my chest and fight the tightening in my throat. I can’t cry now. “I, um, I didn’t know—that um, that is, what happened was—” The giant lump in my throat chokes my words, making them come out in a squeak.

The line is silent for a moment. This is going to be so much harder than I thought.

Finally her mom says, “Maddie doesn’t understand, and I’m having a hard time with it myself. We miss you.”

And I miss you. I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done. My lungs feel like they’re getting smaller by the second. I can’t breathe. I blurt out, “I have to go.”

“Wait. Don’t you want to talk to Maddie?”

I did. I do. I just can’t even speak right now. The questions are too hard, and my answers too shameful. “I’m sorry. I need to g-g-go,” I say, my voice cutting in and out.

“Wait a min—”

“Goodbye, sorry,” I whisper, and click off the phone.

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