Raising LGBTQ Allies by Chris Tompkins

Author:Chris Tompkins
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers
Published: 2021-03-06T00:00:00+00:00

THE ANTIDOTE TO SHAME

Trauma is the gun and shame is the bullet.

—Ilene Smith

As we conclude this chapter, I want to share with you a personal story that continues to inspire me to speak out against LGBTQ bullying and shame. Left untreated, unhealed shame becomes trauma—which is what we’ll learn more about in chapter 7.

One day, while I was bartending a few years ago, a nervous young man sat at my bar. I could sense his energy and so I walked over to greet him. He also seemed young, so I asked for his ID. Something told me to make small talk to help put him at ease. His ID was from Colombia, so I asked if he lived in Los Angeles or was just visiting. He said he was visiting his mother for the holidays but lived in Colombia.

He was so nervous, he could barely make eye contact. I asked him how he liked living in Colombia. He said he really liked it, but that it was challenging being himself. He said that this was his first time at a gay bar. He had googled gay bar, and that’s how he wound up sitting in front of me. He told me he just came to terms with his sexuality and finally acknowledged he was gay. He was twenty-five years old. As he looked to his right and to his left, almost as if he was checking to see if anyone was watching him, I found myself looking into a mirror. He was me. He was me when I was twenty-five years old. I felt the urge to take him into my arms, hug him, and tell him everything was going to be okay.

While working at a gay bar, I met many people at various stages of their coming-out process. This particular occasion was the first time I had felt and seen myself in someone so clearly before. It was a huge reminder of the connectedness of our human condition. It also reminded me although the LGBTQ community has made great strides, there is still more for us to do. The young man I met that day said it wasn’t safe for him to be out. There weren’t even gay bars or places to hang out where he lives.

It made me grateful for what I have and that I live here in the United States. I think being gay or lesbian and living here—especially in larger cities like New York or Los Angeles—we tend to take for granted our freedom and forget the young people growing up in places where they continue to be bullied for being themselves.

I recently read that one of the fundamental keys to success is humility. I think it goes beyond success, and that it’s one of the fundamental keys to life. It was in my humility that I saw myself in the young man and shared compassionately my experiences. I told him he reminded me of myself. He looked up at me, smiled, and asked, “Really?” I said, “Yes, and it’s an honor to meet you.

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