My Life as a Goddess by Guy Branum

Author:Guy Branum
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books

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1. There was this boy, Bobby Cooper, who had one of those truly transformative puberties. One that’s essentially as effective as being bitten by a radioactive spider or having the rays of Earth’s yellow sun penetrate your Kryptonian cells. He started high school as a Cabbage Patch doll, and by graduation he looked like he could break a car in half. Anyway, one time in football we were doing a drill where we had to stay in our tackle pile until the coach told us to get up, and I got to gently rub my hand along Bobby’s abs. This moment is the happiest I have ever been in my life.

2. No one was looking, and she’s only Rita when someone’s looking.

3. Or you learned it once, then forgot it, and are now googling it on your phone.

4. In the film she eventually defines assonance as “a bad rhyme.”

5. Shibboleths like using the word “shibboleth.”

6. This is rhyme, not assonance.

7. And on concrete, no less!

8. In the early 1990s, pop culture references were an unexplored science. This trite activation of a 1970s TV star’s name seemed witty and dynamic. Believe me, it was much funnier back then.

9. Hi Chris, Matt, and Charlie! I am sorry I am throwing you under the bus right now, but the unavoidable prospect of class warfare in America meant it was only a matter of time.

10. I am using the Eggplant as a generic representative of campus humor papers you’ve never heard of. I can assume no one reading this book went to Florida State to pursue comedy. There are only two reasons to go to Florida State:

1. Football, or

2. If you’re a Jewish, Latina, or biracial girl and want to spend four years in intense humidity having to confront the most basic truths about your hair texture before moving to more temperate climates, buying a flat iron, and getting a job in publishing.

The University of Florida, however, has produced lots of great comedy writers, like my friend Christy Stratton Mann. Go Gators!

11. Crown Prince Haakon of Norway was also at Berkeley then, but Scandinavian royalty have lost much of the village-burning, virgin-despoiling glamour of their Viking ancestors. I did serve him popcorn at a movie theater once, though.

12. The only thing worse than their hatred for my sexuality is the fact that they’re closed on Sundays, giving me one less day to guiltily enjoy their succulent, Christ-fearing chicken.

13. Yes, I am equating the importance of our national security with a fictitious fashion magazine. Deal with it.

14. “Video Killed the Radio Star: The British Monarchy and Media Relations 1952–1997.”

15. You owe it to yourself to learn more about the months of harassment Kathy Griffin was subjected to after she took a photo with a bloodied replica of our president’s head in the style of Judith beheading Holofernes.

16. I think Hillary would have been a great president, and I gave five hundred dollars to her campaign in 2016. I also think she has a nasty habit of playing by the most old-school and underhanded of political strategies.

 Further, arguments made at

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