May I Hebb Your Attention Pliss by Arnab Ray

Author:Arnab Ray
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2011-01-10T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10

Your Guide to Making a Fortune in Television

This is it, people – the document that the Ektaa Kapoors of the world do not want you to read. If you have always wanted to gain fame, fortune and immortality by scripting winning Hindi sitcoms, soap operas, reality shows (yes reality shows too need a bit of scripting) and commercially viable news (yes yes, this too can be written) but never quite knew how to go about it, well, now the wait is over.

SECTION 1: HINDI SOAPS

But before I reveal the ancient secrets of writing Hindi soaps to you, first I need to know whether you are worthy.

Here is the first test. Take a long hard look at the man in the mirror. Are you a creative person who has original ideas? Do you think the medium of television should be used to create something of enduring artistic value? Do you define the word ‘reality’ as the ‘untampered, un-manipulated truth’? Were your favourite television comedies Yeh Jo Hain Zindagi, Flop Show, Mungeri Lal Ke Haseen Sapne? Do you define excellence in drama with Buniyaad or Tamas? Do you miss Qile Ki Rahasya and Mirza Ghalib?

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, writing a winning Hindi sitcom/reality show in today’s entertainment environment is not for you. I am sorry for being so blunt but there is no other way for me to break the news. Better you look for an alternative career repairing old black and white television sets.

For the rest, no need to bring out the champagne yet. I have yet another question.

What is your name?

Write down that answer and read the next part only after you have completed the exercise.

If your answer was just your name, then consider yourself disqualified.

If your answer was ‘My name is –’ then all I can say is that you have an aptitude for writing complete answers.

And oh, you also are disqualified.

For those of you who filled up a whole foolscap sheet of paper before arriving at the answer (i.e. your name), you have potential. You may want to hang around.

Finally, for those of you who filled up full ten sheets and yet did not once say what your name was, you are exactly the kind of person who will succeed in this field.

Brevity is the soul of wit. Sure.

But in the world of Hindi soaps, it is the definite ‘serial killer’.

The reason for that is simple. Serials have to contain twenty-three minutes of material for a thirty-minute slot, with the intervening seven minutes being taken by advertisements. More precisely, they have to contain twenty-three minutes of ‘filler’ for the seven minutes of advertisement, which is the only seven minutes the channel and the producers care for.

Successful sitcoms/soaps have four new episodes per week (there was a time when they had one), and so every week you as a writer are obliged to belch out at least one hundred and twenty minutes of story. A sitcom/soap lasts for many months and the successful ones for years.

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