A Little Purple Book of Peculiar Stories by Craig Shaw Gardner

Author:Craig Shaw Gardner [Gardner, Craig Shaw]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: dark fiction, humor
Publisher: Crossroad Press
Published: 2021-01-23T00:00:00+00:00

A Planet Called Elvis

1.

Once you got used to showing up naked, the rest was easy. At least that’s what they said back at the academy. Jerome SmithSeven supposed that someday he might actually get used to it. But every bump he’d taken, from the first tentative student journey to the four he’d made during his internship, ended up the same. He just couldn’t think when he wasn’t wearing clothes.

“Set relays!”

“Bank one is go!”

“Bank two is go!”

“Bank three—searching—bank three is go!”

“Destination is confirmed!”

The bump technician’s chatter did a lot to calm him. The way they announced their readiness seemed like a chant, not so much scientific jargon as a mystical mantra, a magical spell that propelled you to your destination.

Not that he’d ever say something like that to the other members of the team. There was a lot Jerome didn’t share.

“SmithSeven!” the lead tech called sharply. “To your mark!”

He had no more time for beginner’s nerves. This bump was for real. He moved across the dark floor to the bright circle that began his journey.

“Ethel?” the lead tech asked in a much gentler tone. His partner nodded as she stepped forward. “I’m there already.”

Their boss’s face filled the wall screen before them. He smiled much too warmly for this chilly room.

The bump stations were always cold. Something about keeping the transfer equipment at peak efficiency. Jerome really should have paid more attention to the theory when he was in class. Or maybe he should have gotten a little more sleep. Sometimes he wondered why his Dad had pulled all those strings to get him this job in the first place. Jerome shivered while he waited for his boss to give them the official go-ahead.

“Greetings volunteers!” the image of Maurice OneO’Leary called heartily. “This is a quick in, quick out situation. But your speed must be tempered with a certain caution. Remember, we are dealing with Gert Durston, with all that implies. Your implants have been briefed to answer any questions.”

Gert Durston? Jerome didn’t remember the name. He quickly keyed a download. “Gert Durston is well known to law enforcement personnel as a career criminal and notorious free-thinker …”

He paused the inner voice. Their boss had started speaking again.

“--which you should never forget,” the image continued. “With someone like Durston, that sort of slip could mean life or death. But you’ve already studied all that in your downloads.”

Jerome did his best not to frown. He should have taken a little while to review this, rather than going for that final night on the town. Especially after what had happened with Mona. Who knew she would be so afraid of lampreys?

Jerome blinked. He had to keep his mind on their assignment. The boss’s image had faded out, and the techs were calling out their best instructions.

He was glad Ethel was going out with him.

On most of the independent worlds, they were less suspicious of tourists if they traveled in pairs. That was all there was to it, really. And Ethel was always so cheerful.

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