Un Amor by Sara Mesa

Author:Sara Mesa
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Open Letter

Sex? Is it a matter of sex? If she concentrates on what’s beneath her skin, the tyrannical and insistent quiver, then everything points to yes. Nevertheless, she refuses to reduce it to that. Sex has always been secondary to her. Pleasurable, sure—at times—but also pleasurably secondary: she could do without it no problem, she could forget it, even erase it from her life. Curiosity and coolness: that’s how it’s always been with her. The men that interested her were very different from Andreas. In general, she liked to listen to their stories—or take walks, see a movie, get drunk and laugh—much more than sleeping with them. She tired of all those activities eventually, but she always tired of sleeping with them first. Her body would close up at their touch, unbidden and disobedient. Frigid, she’d once been called, an accusation that seemed directed her whole personhood, not just her body.

When she was a kid, a man, a neighbor, had molested her. After those encounters, which occurred on several occasions, Nat had mostly felt confused—a bit of guilt, a bit of fear, but confusion, mostly—even though, as soon as she got rid of him, she’d gone on with life as if nothing had happened. The man would sit her on his lap, rub himself against her. He didn’t hurt her. He was a good man, a man Nat’s parents were very fond of, an old man—Nat remembers him as old, though he probably wasn’t much older than fifty—solitary, a music lover with small, kindly eyes whose wife had died of cancer several years before. Nat couldn’t speak badly of him to her parents, she didn’t feel she had the right. And even though she started to avoid him, she was fond of him, too, in her own way. Had all of that conditioned her developing sexuality? Nat doesn’t think so, despite what it said regarding cases like hers, all that stuff about the indelible marks from childhood. But even if it were true, even if the neighbor had turned her into a detached, insensitive person, now that has all changed, unexpectedly, thanks to another man.

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