The Value of Others: Understanding the Economic Model of Relationships to Get (and Keep) More of What You Want in the Sexual Marketplace by Taraban Orion

Author:Taraban, Orion
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: PsycHacks
Published: 2024-07-10T00:00:00+00:00

Mind the gap

The other important consequence of the second law of attraction is the attraction gap: the interest discrepancy between the adored and the adorer. So far, I’ve been speaking of these roles as if they were static entities. This is not the case. In fact, their relative positions are subject to constant fluctuation. At some points, the gap will be large; at other points, it will be functionally nonexistent. The same individuals can even switch places from one moment to the next. However, people tend to settle into established relationship dynamics over time. And the more established the dynamic, the more a significant event – like a birth or a promotion or an affair – is required to radically alter the attraction gap or its polarity.

Just like different people have preferences with respect to their position in the balance of attraction, different people have preferences with respect to the size of the attraction gap in that balance. Some want that gap to be as small as possible. These are people who prefer egalitarian relationships approaching an equal distribution of power. Others are comfortable with larger attraction gaps. These dynamics run the gamut from more traditional arrangements to “lifestyle” relationships characterized by the explicit, consensual enactment of dominance and submission. Most people exist on the continuum between a negligible and a substantial attraction gap.

The reason these preferences exist is that the characteristics that distinguish each role become more apparent as the size of the attraction gap increases. Anyone who read the descriptions of the adorer and the adored in the previous section and thought, “That doesn’t sound like my relationship at all,” or, “He’s talking about an <insert negative judgmental adjective here> relationship,” isn’t necessarily wrong. These reactions typically indicate a strong preference for small attraction gaps. Since it’s not possible for two people to be equally attracted to each other, the balance of attraction can never disappear entirely. Look at any relationship closely enough, and you’ll see that one person is always the adored and the other is always the adorer at any given moment. However, the two positions increasingly approximate each other as the attraction gap approaches zero.

That people have different preferences with respect to both their positions in the balance of attraction and the attraction gap within that balance helps explain one of the more puzzling phenomena of interpersonal relationships, namely: the tendency of some people to repay kindness with hostility. In so many words, kindness is an act of devotion. It indicates a high degree of interest (people generally aren’t going out of their way to be indiscriminately kind) and a willingness to expend resources in the service of the other (at least, if the kindness is to be of any real benefit to the recipient). This means that the more you express kindness – either in word or deed – the more you are putting yourself in the place of the adorer and the more you are forcing the other person to occupy the place of the adored.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.