The Summer Love Strategy by Ray Stoeve

Author:Ray Stoeve
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Amulet Books
Published: 2024-05-07T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

I’m cheering like everyone else, but I can’t hear a single note of the song. All I can hear is the revelation repeating in my mind:

I have a crush on Talia.

The crowd is moving and shifting, and Talia’s starting to drift away from me, moving forward toward the stage. Normally I’d follow her, but instead I find an opening behind me and fight through, heart pounding, back toward the double doors. I need a breather. I need an anchor, something to hold on to before I drown in this realization.

In the bathroom, I lock myself in a stall and try to do my deep breathing exercise. Inhale for four. Hold for four. Exhale for four. Hold for four. And repeat, massaging my sternum the whole time. I haven’t been to my therapist in a while; my anxiety’s been easier to manage the past few years. I haven’t had to use these tools as much—until recently.

I always say Talia was the first person I came out to, but really, it was my therapist. Her support helped me decide to tell someone in my regular life. And I knew exactly who that someone would be.

Talia understood the gravity of the moment as soon as I showed up to her house for our weekend hangout. When I finally got the sentence out, after a lot of pacing and false starts while she watched me patiently, she just smiled and hugged me.

“I’m so happy for you,” she said. She was almost happier than I was in that moment, and a few days later, I learned why. When I came out, it gave her the courage to tell me she was actually a girl and wanted to transition.

My anxiety got more manageable after that, especially once I told my family and no one disowned me or sent me to a conversion camp. I still don’t know why I was so afraid of something like that happening. Maybe it was because I didn’t see many queer people in books or movies then; maybe it was all the news items about anti-LGBTQ+ legislation; maybe it was the right-wing articles my aunt always emailed to the whole family.

I just wasn’t completely sure how my parents would react.

Luckily, everything turned out fine.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Even though everything turned out fine then, it still feels nerve-racking to put myself out there. Like with Mel. I thought she liked me, but she picked her ex instead. I know I’m supposed to believe that wasn’t about me. I know logically it wasn’t.

But now it’s Talia.

It just kind of happened. I didn’t even realize I was crushing. That’s never happened before; I always see a crush coming. The girl smiles and I feel a flutter. The girl talks to me and I want to hold her hand. It’s easy to imagine being with people when you know you’re never actually going to be with them.

I didn’t see this coming.

But then it hits me: the hair salon.

The weird feeling.

I was jealous.

I was jealous of Talia liking someone else.

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