The Ripple Maker: Reflections from the Valley of the Shadow of Death by Sean X Oljer

Author:Sean X Oljer [Oljer, Sean X]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-02-13T05:00:00+00:00

(6)

Genuine Care over desire

No-one has been near my physical form for an unknowable vacuum of time now. I know time is continuing somewhere. Only, ”not here. My body blinks; it’s morning. My eyes blink again; it’s midnight. I make my physical form to sit while I remain alive here to struggle against the ebb of confusions. My failures as my son’s father surround me as if to be the indigenous tribes of this valley. As the sun warms the earth’s breath across my flesh, I point to the one of the many at the forefront of the line. That one, I’m able to see clearly.

I bid the judgement to press closer to me as I slog my best response toward it. In this moment I’m choosing to work out terms for coexistence with one what doesn’t cause me to exactly hate myself when I peer into it. This one will allow me to realize the love and warmth my son extended into me more easily than most of the others. I hear the rest continue to threaten my sanity. They will do so until each receives my attention. Here, though, in this dismal niche there appears to be enough eternity for each to have its turn.

This period in time I’m reckoning with and consenting to convert me is one from when my son was between the ages of five years old and seven. The timeframe marks the moment he ached for a mommy. Sadly, we lost his mother to drugs. I felt I needed to close that door to keep him safe. She had become, ”something else. She was no longer his mother, nor my wife. When it became obvious to her and her new circle of friends that there would be no other substance for them to take from my son’s home, she stopped coming around.

Young Just Eli never asked for her again. He never said another word referring to her at all. There was the one time, the last time, when she called to speak to him. I held the phone out for him, “…it’s your mommy Ba-boy, ”” I believe that is the only time in his life I watched his eyes go blank. He didn’t even look at me. That had never happened before. I don’t think I ever saw him act that way again. I had to tell her, “you can try again another time, but I think you really blew it with him.” She never called again.

Anyway, my baby-boy ached to have a mommy. All the other kids in daycare and kindergarten seemed to have one. And, all the kids seemed so happy when their mommies came to get them. It wasn’t that he didn’t love his daddy. It was more like he knew we weren’t whole as a family, I believe.

There are a lot of tangent-azimuths I can take this story to show many strong characteristics in his personality to not only prove to be rooted in love but would also prove that he longed for them to be.

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