The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend: Advice on Queer Dating, Love, and Friendship by Maddy Court

Author:Maddy Court [Court, Maddy]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781797202228
Publisher: Chronicle Books LLC
Published: 2021-05-19T00:00:00+00:00

A. I thought about this question for a long time. I kept opening the Word doc and closing it without writing anything. A lot of the questions that come across my desk are from people who can’t stop obsessing about their ex or move past a breakup—people who don’t even recognize themselves because they’re swimming in post-breakup jealousy, anger, and resentment. I always respond by saying that you’re not a bad person for feeling like garbage after a breakup. You’re a lesbian, not a saint. It takes time to recover from heartbreak, much more time than people are usually willing to give themselves. In my experience, the old adage that it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the relationship holds true. It doesn’t mean I’m crying in public or unable to date new people, just that I might feel bruised. I might feel anxious before going somewhere where there’s a high probability of running into my ex, or I might have a bad day for totally unrelated reasons and go through my ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram to make myself feel even worse. Healthy!

If I’m hearing you correctly, it sounds like you don’t harbor any anger toward your ex. You’re looking for that extra oomph to move on with your life. Injecting your daily routine with voluntary, low-stakes change—taking a trip, getting a daring new haircut, rearranging your room, or exploring a new hobby like gardening or kayaking—will help you embrace change in your love life.

Your question also brings up some concerns about becoming friends with your ex. In my experience, the stereotype that lesbians stay friends with their exes is accurate. A lot of my straight friends, on the other hand, regard relationships as failures if they don’t end in marriage. There’s a sense that one person is the winner and the other person is the loser. My lesbian friends are more like, “We’re just on different journeys” and “We’re better off as friends.” In the majority of my breakups, I can see past my hurt feelings and recognize that my ex is a complicated human who exists outside of her relationship to me. That’s not to say the transition from partners to friends is easy for lesbians. It takes communication, intention, and a lot of work. In some cases, it takes a long time for the pain and disappointment of a breakup to dissipate. I’ve definitely ended relationships with zero interest in friendship, only to change my mind a year later.

I give you permission to feel bitter and bruised. If it gives you some cheap joy, complain about your ex to a friend you trust, someone who understands that you’re just being petty. But if you genuinely don’t feel any regret or anger, try establishing some boundaries and distance. Ask each other: How will your friendship be different from your girlfriendship? The last thing you want is to rush into friendship with no intention or boundaries—the lines will get real blurred, real fast. Agree to

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