Sing by CD Reiss

Author:CD Reiss [Reiss, CD]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: eXcessica Publishing
Published: 2013-09-22T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 22.

JONATHAN

That went poorly.

I hadn’t intended to ask for her hand until she said the name of my father’s investment shell. He’d bought her house to save her when I couldn’t, or wouldn’t. Whichever. I simply didn’t and the reason I didn’t was I didn’t know she was in that kind of trouble. I could only know and see what she brought to me, and if she chose to protect me, I was impotent to protect her. I was stuck I inside four walls with things sticking out of me, tied to a bed as much as I’d tied her.

By the time the smoke cleared, she was gone, and I couldn’t explain. I didn’t want to talk on the phone. Couldn’t, actually. My body betrayed me with exhaustion, long breaths, and lost consciousness. I needed to be in her visual field, to see what I was too tired to intuit, to let her experience the long spaces between sentences that would seem like anger or petulant silence on the phone, but were me trying to breathe around my goddamn damaged heart.

I loved her. I wanted her. There was no one else. She felt right in ways no other woman ever had. Of course I was going to marry her, one day, when I was out of this shitbox, untied from this bed. After more dinners and late nights. After more boundary leaping and fighting. More touching, kissing, laughing.

Just not now.

Except that it had to be now. I felt myself failing. The dips into unconsciousness came with less warning. The effort to exist was such a task, I couldn’t imagine actually living. Was I scared? Fuck, yes I was terrified, and the only thing that kept it at bay was the thought that I could make her life better than it had been, that I could save her from her chronic penury, keep her from the manipulations of men like my father. If I could die knowing I’d saved her, maybe I would have served my purpose. It wasn’t like the money had anywhere useful to go, anyway.

Theresa sat in the chair Monica usually occupied, leaning forward, fingers knit together. I wanted to explain all of it to her, but I didn’t have the wherewithal to do it right, to explain my fear, my need to know Monica was all right, to keep a slice of control. I gave her the shortest version I had.

“I don’t blame her for saying no,” she said. “You need to get better first.”

“What if I don’t get better?”

“She’ll be a widow.”

At twenty-five. And when was her birthday? She’d told me she was a Cancer, but if she told me the exact date, I couldn’t call it up in my memory. I realized we’d never even celebrated a birthday together. Neither mine nor hers. I wanted to get her something extravagant six months early, to make up for the time we’d never have. And Christmas, of course.

“What’s today?” I asked Theresa.

“The twentieth.”

“Merry Christmas.”

“What do you want under the tree? Besides a ‘yes?’”

“I want her,” I whispered.

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