Penthouse 2010-03 by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Format: epub

ES [knockingboots] followed by an older lady—their mom. Yikes. Mom —mid-fifties, dowdy clothes, spiky gray hair— throws along look at our man Rob. You can see why women of allages would notice him: Rob’s wearing a giant black Stetson on his head, a sheriff's badge pinned to his chest, and a yellow lasso on his hip. Anywhere else, he'd look like a crazy person, ora Village People reject. Here, he's only 20 percent more peacocked than anyone else. "Do you need a date to get in?" Mom asks coyly. "No!" says Rob,alittle too quickly. Mom climbs over the barrier and cozies up next to him anyway, sensing, and happily increasing, his discomfort. We try not to crack up. Mom loves it. 5:49 p.m.: We make it to the bar, only to discover the drink choices are as follows: (a) lousy beer (b) mango kiwi hard lemonade. No, really. For a laugh, two of us order the lemonade. “These things have no alcohol at all,” Rob says, chugging one down and ordering another. 6:38 p.m.: Each of us has three or four drinks in him, and the joint is jumping. A blonde and a brunette, each wearing leather miniskirts, cowboy hats, and huge smiles, attack our boys Craig and Jesse. Craig is single and couldn't be happier about this development. Jesse has a new girlfriend and appearsto be contemplating a Nashville North corollary to "What happens in Vegas ...." 7:14 p.m. : Being the humanitarian that he is, Jesse approached an Australian hottie earlier in the day and invited her and her friends to Nashville North, on behalf of the single guys. Aussie shows up now, wearing a cowgirl outfit that's illegal in 32 states and six provinces. Her blonde Canuck friend is even hotter. Aussie latches on to Jesse, and now his "problem" has doubled. Good thing his hometown girlfriend will never read this. 8:07 p.m.: Rob launches a text message from an undisclosed location amid the throngs at Nashville North: "Dou realize that men are in control here? ive bod [brushed off] 75 girls so far” 8:21 p.m.: Rob again: “this is the most smashed I’ve been іп 17 yrs" 8:25 P.M.: Апа... once more, with feeling: "/'ve had 9 ridiculkous drinks І can't walk strt” Girl Drinks 1, Rob O. 8:48 p.m.: Two Calgary girls grab Jesse and me. They are blonde, half-naked, plastered, and highly aggressive. It's an out-and-out layup. But | will have to pass—recently married. 8:54 P.M.: Six thousand people, in unison: “SAVE А HORSE, RIDE А COWBOOOY'!!!” 8:59 p.m.: Jesse decides prudence is the better part of valor, and when the blondes turn their backs momentarily, he gives me the high sign. We head for the door, and back out into the fairgrounds. When the final tally comes in, both Craig and Pete have hooked up, with Pete’s success resulting in expensive losses for all of us (we had 5-1odds against him getting even minor action), and proving that at Stampede, you have to make an effort not to get laid.

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