M*A*S*H Goes to Vienna by Richard Hooker & William E. Butterworth

Author:Richard Hooker & William E. Butterworth [Hooker, Richard & Butterworth, William E.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Fiction, Humor, Historical Fiction, War, Comedy, Medical, Media Tie-In, Tv, Movie, United States, Military
ISBN: 9780671804589
Publisher: Pocket Books
Published: 1976-06-02T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter Twelve

Taylor P. Jambon lied well. The story he told Dr. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, chief of surgery of the Spruce Harbor Medical Center was, furthermore, one of his better efforts.

According to Mr. Jambon, Patience Throckbottom Worthington, America’s most beloved thespian, was, as the result of her accident, “in the most severe pain, suffering excruciating agony whenever she had to move. Far too brave to complain, and determined to do what she could to help Americans’ suffering pups and pussies,” she had finally resorted to taking “a glass or two of spirituous liquor” to dull the pain. Being “wholly unaccustomed to anything stronger than sherry,” and that only once a year, when she had concluded her traditional Christmas Eve rendition of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, the sad truth was that she was.

“I say this, Doctor, only because I am sure it will go no further, because of the patient-doctor confidentiality code, a wee bit tipsy.”

“No,” Hawkeye replied, visibly shocked. He had not, of course, believed a word Jambon had so far said. He was curious, however, to see to what heights the Jambon imagination would carry them all.

“Yes,” Taylor P. Jambon said, wiping a tear from his eye.

“I will rush to her side and pump out her stomach,” Hawkeye said.

“No!” Mr. Jambon said, very quickly.

“Followed by a long, cold shower and copious quantities of steaming coffee,” Hawkeye went on. “After which I will ask Mr. Crumbum here to detect and locate the black-hearted scalawag who has dared to profane the lips of America’s sainted thespian-lady with spirituous liquors.”

Taylor P. Jambon looked a little confused.

“If I may continue, Doctor?” Jambon said.

“By all means,” Hawkeye said.

“There is another problem,” Taylor P. Jambon said. “I’m sure that you are familiar with Senator Christopher Columbus Cacciatore, Doctor?”

“The very sound of his name causes my heart to flutter and my mind’s eye to fill with visions of Old Glory fluttering over our nation’s Capitol, where that sainted man gives so freely of his time to save us poor taxpayers from our folly,” Hawkeye said.

“Yes,” Jambon said. “I tell you in absolute confidence, Doctor, that Senator Christopher Columbus Cacciatore, himself, is coming right here to Spruce Harbor, this very afternoon, to take Miss Worthington away.”

“No!”

“Yes!” Mr. Jambon said. “Senator Cacciatore is one of Miss Worthington’s greatest admirers.”

“I can certainly understand that,” Hawkeye said softly.

“And vice-versa,” Taylor P. Jambon said.

“I can understand that, too,” Hawkeye said. “Birds of a feather, to coin a phrase.”

“Precisely,” Taylor P. Jambon said. Somehow, however, he suspected that things weren’t going exactly as he intended them to go. “Well, Doctor, you can well imagine how absolutely crushed and humiliated our dear Miss Worthington would be if her dear friend Senator Cacciatore should learn that she was, well, a little tiddly.”

“What are you asking of me, Mr. Jambon?”

“I had hoped that a physician and surgeon of your obvious intelligence and vast experience, not to mention compassion, would perhaps be able to think of something that would solve the problem,” Taylor P. Jambon said.

“Tell you what I’m going to do, Jawbone,” Hawkeye said.

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