Making Children Mind without Losing Yours by Kevin Leman

Author:Kevin Leman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FAM034000
ISBN: 9781441216717
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2009-09-01T00:00:00+00:00

8

When the Nuclear Family Explodes

Gail was a single mom struggling to bring up two young sons, but when her church sponsored a child-rearing seminar, she didn’t come. The next Sunday, her pastor asked her why. “Maybe you already have all the answers,” he teased her gently.

“Oh, no, Pastor. You know better than that,” she replied. “But when I saw all those posters with both parents together, and when you kept announcing the seminar being for moms and dads, I guess I figured it wasn’t for me. It’s kind of different when you’re alone.”

Too often we authors and speakers make it sound as if our child-rearing advice is only for two-parent situations—“nuclear families,” as the sociologists call them. Many single parents feel left out, as if our carefully tested formulas must be applied in perfectly balanced, hermetically sealed laboratories, and their own lopsided families just don’t make the grade. If I’ve made it sound like that in this book, I’m sorry. The truth is, single parents can apply reality discipline just as effectively as anyone. For many, it may be just what they need.

Studies show that nearly 30 percent of the children in the United States now live in single-parent homes. About another 20 percent live in stepfamilies, or what I call “blended families.” Ozzie and Harriet are giving way to The Brady Bunch and Murphy Brown. Nuclear families are exploding, and many have to live with the fallout.

How does reality discipline apply in these situations? Are there special ways of showing love and firmness, of “pulling the rug out,” of holding kids accountable, when you’re the only parent in the home, or when you’re raising someone else’s children? Yes and no. Most of the rest of this book still holds true in those cases, but there are some additional considerations, which we’ll cover here.

Single-Parent Homes

The hardest job in the world is to be a single parent. You are breadwinner and bread baker, guide and gorilla, nurse and nag. You are single-handedly taking on the two-person task of parenting, in addition to whatever other jobs and activities you have. Most of the single parents I know are just plain weary.

Most single-parent situations are created through loss—the loss of a spouse and parent through death or divorce. Great pain goes along with both these cases, and sometimes guilt or anger. So not only do you struggle to cope with your everyday life, you also have a stewpot of emotions to deal with—yours and your children’s! It’s not an easy life. (I recognize that increasing numbers of never-married women are choosing motherhood. The emotions may be somewhat different in these cases, but it’s still not easy.)

Are you doomed, then, to a second-rate life? Will your children be forever scarred by this situation? Not necessarily. I know many children of single parents who are responsible teenagers and adults, happy, productive, and well-adjusted. That’s testimony to their character, their parent’s hard work, and the grace of God.

Take Care of Yourself

If you’re a single parent with custody of your kids, your life is full of stress.

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