Love You Like the Sky by Sarah Neustadter

Author:Sarah Neustadter
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: SparkPress
Published: 2019-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

DATE: DECEMBER 23, 2009

SUBJECT: ONLY HUMAN

* * *

My supervisor at my practicum site reminded me often that I hadn’t been your therapist. You had a therapist, and as your girlfriend, it wasn’t my job to play that role. The seeds for what you did were planted a long time ago, before I even knew you, she’d said. Your problems were rooted more deeply than anyone had known. This resonated for me, and hearing it shifted something inside: I experienced my own frailty, my humanity. I had so wanted to save you and rescue you from your confusion and pain. What I want to say to you now (and I’m sure you know this already, but it’s worth repeating in writing, at least for me)—is that you are the one who is 100 percent responsible for what you did and for what happened. No one else. I am not responsible. You are. God knows I’ve felt responsible and blamed myself for not having superhuman powers to redeem your fate, to have foreseen your death, and to swoosh in and scoop you up off the train tracks in the nick of time. It’s been a sobering lesson internalizing this truth about myself. As much as I wish I did, I don’t have that kind of power. I’m only human. And despite my limitations, I felt an irrepressible urge to take care of you as fiercely as I could (God only knows how limited my hands are). At the end of each day, I burn with the question, could we have saved you?

If only,

Sarah

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