It Doesn't Have to Be This Way by Alistair Mackay

Author:Alistair Mackay
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Kwela
Published: 2022-01-21T08:34:55+00:00

3.6

Viwe lies on his back and watches the shadows gnaw at the ceiling. He still hears the chanting, even though the marchers are long gone. The end is near, they say. Repent. He turns to face Luthando, asleep beside him, finally at peace. His forehead is untroubled, his mouth slack. Viwe’s heart flushes with gratitude. He’s never known a more loving soul than Luthando’s. Warm, funny, generous. At least he used to be. It calms Viwe just to watch Luthando sleep. To know he exists. That he is home.

He feels for Luthando’s hand under the covers and holds it. But Luthando’s touch can’t keep the demons at bay, not this time. This time, Luthando’s touch is the problem.

The shadows inch closer to him with every breath. Repent, they hiss. He squeezes Luthando’s hand. He wants Luthando to tell him everything will be all right, but Luthando’s sleep is deep and frightening. Luthando has always felt so right, the missing puzzle piece that clicked into place for Viwe. Viwe feels all the things you’re supposed to feel when you’re in love. It’s deeply right in his gut, but how can he trust his gut? Maybe the marchers are right. Maybe what he thinks is love is a delusion. Do evil people even know they are evil? You may fool yourself, his mother said to him all those years ago, but you will never fool God.

Is God really so vengeful? What about loving thy neighbour as thyself? Viwe’s always tried to believe the only thing that matters in this world is kindness. But maybe kindness isn’t what matters. Maybe God isn’t love; maybe He’s the Old Testament God of wrath, who rains down fire on those who ignore Him.

The scientists on TV speak about the Change in detached language. Positive-feedback loops, they call them, the way melting permafrost and water vapour from warming oceans accelerate the heating of the planet, the way deforestation dries out rainfall which accelerates forest instability and collapse. These processes are terrifying, but they are impersonal. Consequences rather than punishment. But Viwe must be blind if he cannot see that the end is near. The marchers are right. His mother is right. This is all straight out of Revelations. Scientific language only obscures the truth. It downplays the cause of this destruction, which is the sinfulness of man. Greed is the driving force of capitalism. Greed for more, bigger, faster. Greed has burnt Eden to the ground.

But why must Viwe be punished more than the next man? What makes his sexuality so sinful? No one is being harmed. He loves as hard as he can. His love has played no role in the destruction of the planet. He buries his face in his pillow. He doesn’t understand the logic. Maybe it isn’t logic that applies.

When he leaves in the morning to visit his mother, he tells Luthando not to come. Luthando doesn’t argue. Luthando already knew this was coming; he knows everything, somehow. He sat inside the apartment last night while the others rushed onto the balcony to watch the marchers.

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