Hellmouth Trilogy by Armand Rosamilia & Jack Wallen & Jay Wilburn & Brent Abell

Author:Armand Rosamilia & Jack Wallen & Jay Wilburn & Brent Abell
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Published: 2015-11-23T00:00:00+00:00

EIGHT

“I’ve always had a crush on Effeminate Man,” Awesome Man whispered, blood burbling from between his lips. His eyes snapped open and he shook his head. “Fuck, wrong secret. Promise me you won’t tell anyone that secret.”

I nodded. Black tears leaked from my eyes and landed on Awesome Man’s red and swollen cheeks. He coughed a hunk of taco from his gut. The smell was laced with something far too familiar … sulfur.

Awesome Man belched again and again. This time the chunks of meat flowed on a river of blackened sludge. His lips, chin, and goatee were slick with the oily mess. The viscous liquid dropped and slopped to the pavement as Awesome Man stood, his great gut forcing the flow of thick goo from his gullet. “That secret,” he belched.

I stepped back, nearly twisting an ankle when my flip flop folded in on itself. Who in the fuck ever thought a slappy, flat piece of material with an attached thong would make for practical footwear?

Oh hell, listen to me. Who in their right fucking mind would use practical and footwear in the same sentence? I chanced a glance down to my feet. What I saw nearly ripped my heart from my chest. “Jesus in Spanx, my toes!” I gasped. “When was the last time my bitch-ass sister got a pedi?”

A lava-like flow of oil-black fluid stretched out for my flesh. The slick slop moved, as if alive. I looked up to see Awesome Man covered in the shit.

“I am the…” The great creature stopped and punched himself in the gut. His cheeks did their best Satchmo and when he unsealed his lips, a hot, sulfuric wind wafted past.

I could feel the curl in my hair flatten and the gloss on my lips dull.

“You son of a bitch!” I screamed. “My sister just had her fucking hair done.”

Awesome Man unleashed a laugh that sounded more like Slayer played in reverse at 33 RPMS. The laughter finally ceased and he opened his mouth to speak. Before the first sound spilled from his gaping maw, an ice cream truck pulled up to the curb, it’s maniacal, jewelry box from hell theme song bouncing off the surrounding concrete walls. A clown stuck its head out of the passenger-side window and laughed…in that annoying way only clowns know. I wanted to swing my purse at the bastard just for being a clown.

And a Jersey clown to boot.

Bastard.

“Huh huh huh,” the clown laughed again. “Get in the van, Roxxi.”

Awesome Man opened wide and shot a hot spray of tar at the van. “Get the fuck out of here, Colonic.”

The clown shot a hate-filled glance at Awesome Man. “The name is Chronic the Clown, jackass.” Chronic punctuated the statement by pantomiming taking a hit from a joint.

Awesome Man responded with another volley of liquid filth.

“Come on, Roxxi. We’re running out of time. That fat bastard’s gonna blow. You don’t want what’s inside of him splashing down on whatever outfit you’ve got going on there. By the

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