Facing Shame by Merle A. Fossum

Author:Merle A. Fossum
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: W. W. Norton & Company

3) BLAME

If something doesn’t happen as you planned, blame someone (yourself or someone else). Blaming is pervasive in the shame-bound family and in all relationships which have a strong shame component. The blame may be overt, as in the message, “If it weren’t for you I would be happy.” Often the blame is masked as something else. A woman thinks she is only expressing her feelings, but what she says is, “I feel that you always get upset when I’m doing my work and that stops me from accomplishing anything.” In fact, she has expressed nothing at all about her own feelings. A personal question which asks “Why?” is usually an emotional trap for someone to blame themselves or justify why they are not blameworthy. “Why do you . . . ?” or “why don’t you . . . ?” often pose as innocent questions but are loaded with bad feelings. Self-blame is a direct expression of the rule and can be highly controlling in relationships, in that it effectively grabs the initiative. While self-blame is painful, it keeps the blamer in charge of the interaction and thus reduces surprise.

In effect, a person’s blaming behavior covers one’s shame or projects it onto another person. When I focus on what you do to me, I feel a reduction in my own anxiety about myself. If, for example, I tell you that you never approach me warmly, I don’t have to experience the vulnerable feeling of telling you how lonely or needy I feel. If I’m a shame-bound person, I cannot feel vulnerable or needy without being ashamed of it. So blaming becomes an automatic evasion of my deeper feelings.

In fact, any unexpected or unplanned occurrence can become a moment for blame, whether or not it is inherently negative. A flat tire while driving to work is understandably negative and in this system produces blame of oneself or someone else. But the delivery of a package by a parcel service three days before someone’s birthday, instead of on the birthday, isn’t inherently negative. Within this system it is liable to being perceived as ruining the sender’s whole plan and someone is likely to be blamed.

The blame rule is activated to maintain the equilibrium of the system in those situations where the control rule breaks down. When security is sought through control as it is in this family system, even to the point of a compelling demand, the reality of life’s unpredictability and uncontrollability invokes pervasive anxiety. Blame is the bitter salve habitually used by members of the system to regain the illusion of control. Whether the usual pattern is self-blame or blame of others, blaming always provides a reliable fall-back position of control and predictability when the first attempt to be in control or do things perfectly doesn’t succeed. In this way, we see the interaction of the first three rules of control, perfection, and blame.

The first three rules are seen at work in the following example from a therapy session. The

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