Donald Barthelme by Donald Barthelme

Author:Donald Barthelme
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Library of America
Published: 2021-04-25T18:59:14+00:00

The Sergeant

THE ORDERLY looked at the paper and said, There’s nothing wrong with this. Take it to room 400.

I said, Wait a minute.

The orderly looked at me. I said, Room 400.

I said something about a lawyer.

He got to his feet. You know what that is? he asked, pointing to an M.P. in the hall.

I said yes, I remembered.

O.K. Room 400. Take this with you.

He handed me the paper.

I thought, They’ll figure it out sooner or later. And: The doctor will tell them.

The doctor said, Hello, young trooper.

•

The other sergeant looked at me. How come you made sergeant so quick?

I was always a sergeant, I said. I was a sergeant the last time, too.

I got more time in grade, he said, so I outrank you.

I said not if you figured from my original date-of-rank which was sometime in ’53.

Fifty-three, he said, what war was that?

I said the war with the Koreans.

I heard about it, he said. But you been away a long time.

I said that was true.

What we got here is a bunch of re-cruits, he said, they don’t love the army much.

I said I thought they were all volunteers.

The e-conomic debacle volunteered ’em, he said, they heard the eagle shits once a month regularly.

I said nothing. His name was Tomgold.

They’ll be rolling training grenades under your bunk, he said, just as soon as we teach ’em how to pull the pin.

I said they wouldn’t do that to me because I wasn’t supposed to be here anyway, that it was all a mistake, that I’d done all this before, that probably my discharge papers would come through any day now.

That’s right, he said, you do look kind of old. Can you still screw?

•

I flicked on the barracks lights.

All right you men, I said.

But there was only one. He sat up in his bunk wearing skivvies, blinking in the light.

O.K. soldier roll out.

What time is it sarge?

It’s five-forty-five soldier, get dressed and come with me. Where are the other men?

Probably haven’t got back from town, sarge.

They have overnight passes?

Always got passes, sarge. Lots and lots of passes. Look, I got a pass too.

He showed me a piece of paper.

You want me to write you a pass, sarge?

I said I really wasn’t supposed to be here at all, that I’d done all this before, that it was all a mistake.

You want me to fix you up with discharge papers, sarge? It’ll cost you.

I said that if his section chief found out what he was doing they’d put him way back in the jailhouse.

You want me to cut some orders for you, sarge? You want a nice TDY to Hawaii?

I said I didn’t want to get mixed up in anything.

If you’re mixed up in this, then you got to get mixed up in that, he said. Would you turn them lights out, as you go?

•

The I.G. was a bird colonel with a jumper’s badge and a general’s pistol belt. He said, Well, sergeant, all I know is what’s on the paper.

Yes, sir, I said,

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