Casually Homicidal by Olivia Bennett

Author:Olivia Bennett [Bennett, Olivia]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Independently published
Published: 2022-05-20T05:00:00+00:00

18 Arden

Thursday, May 24th

‘Ballagarraidh’— the awareness that you are not at home in the wilderness

I am so lonely.

It doesn’t hit me until Hendrix disappears into the trees, but when it does, it falls like an avalanche of darkness. My chest aches, like someone’s gouged out my heart with an ice cream scoop and shoved the carton to the back of the freezer to crystalize and burn.

The emptiness, the lonely solitude of the forest is only a reflection of my current state. But I am not at home here, either. Hendrix, however strange and unstable he may be, is all I have now. I am all he has.

My world is crashing down, brick by brick. All I can do is watch as they fall, down down down into the darkness. “Hendrix!” I scream. Nothing. The crashing and rustling of brush only grows fainter. Why do I follow him? Why don’t I just go back to my car, go back to civilization and safety?

That’s a good fucking question, because this is really stupid.

“Hendrix! What the fuck are you doing? C’mon, Hendrix, I’m sorry, alright! I didn’t mean it!” Like the walls of Jericho, down comes my idea of safety. Down comes my hopes my dreams for what this would be about, for what this would be like. Something inside me ran away into the woods with Hendrix, because now I feel more lost than I ever have before.

What have I done what have I done what have I done?

Down comes all of my emotions, writhing and fluid like ghosts of centuries past, of a time I wish I knew. Down it all comes and I’m trying to hold it up with expectations and blind fucking hope that everything won’t just end up like it always does and that I’m going to be okay even though I’ve never been okay once in my whole pathetic life. Blinded by the blossoms of pain that open up inside me, I crash into the woods in the direction of Hendrix.

We’re alone, in the woods, at night.

“Hendrix! Where are you?” In between my desperate cries, the realizations come in like waves. How fucking naive of me, that I thought I could do this, just run off in the middle of the night and bad things wouldn’t happen?

No one knows we’re out here.

I’m being pulled in five different directions as the world becomes a flash of green-blue-gray-black. I wanted to do this. I needed to do this, but now it’s all just spiraling out of control and I am nowhere closer to where I wanted to be. My limbs buzz, and someone’s pulled the plug on my stomach, swirling downward like draining a bathtub.

Where do you want to be, Michelle?

The question socks me in the gut as I’m holding my side stitch. The evening humidity is like breathing underwater. Or maybe it’s because I’m drowning in my own mistakes, who knows? Tears burn at my eyes, and I scream after Hendrix. Trying to keep my chest from breaking apart into sobs, I pull myself forward into the woods, deeper into the shit mess I’ve created.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.