Birthday_A Novel by Meredith Russo
Author:Meredith Russo [Russo, Meredith]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Young Adult Fiction, Romance, LGBT, Coming of Age
ISBN: 9781250129840
Google: o051DwAAQBAJ
Publisher: Flatiron Books
Published: 2019-05-21T18:41:07+00:00
MORGAN
I let my bike fall to the ground when I reach the dumpster. The Kmart bag strikes asphalt and bursts, spilling makeup across the dark pavement. Swearing under my breath, I turn on my phone flashlight and slowly pick up the pieces, one by one, until both my hands are full. I stand there for a moment, in the reeking lot behind the Shell station near our trailer, staring into the dumpsterâs black maw and listening to night frogs, and I consider not doing this.
It felt good to see that face in the mirror, covered in makeup, if just for a moment, if only the one time. Amazing, actually. I recognized her and she felt like me. She was me.
But how good would it feel if I put on makeup like that every day? And how bad would it feel if Dad couldnât look at me anymore?
Like an idiot, I had allowed myself to fantasize about living in a place like New York or Atlanta or Los Angeles, where both my parents were still alive and so sensitive that I didnât even need to tell them. I let myself imagine alternate presents and impossible futures where I could be with someone like Eric as more than a friend. I let myself pretend I lived in a universe where my body was completely different than the one I currently exist in.
But, no.
âWantingâ to be a girl? Itâs stupid. Itâs stupid and insane.
I live in Thebes, Tennessee. And no one here is down with that âqueer shit.â Iâm trapped in the life I have, and I need to shut down any other fantasy before it hurts me even more. I want to make movies. I want a new bike. I want to not be sick in the head.
I whip the makeup up over the dumpster and into the darkness. My throat starts to close. I hear something shatter and I close my eyes.
This way that I feel, this ⦠obsession, itâs not a thing that I want and itâs not a thing that I am, itâs something I have. Like a disease. Mom had cancer. I have autogynephiliaâI saw that word online. Lots of people hate that idea and say itâs transphobic, that it makes it a disease, but this feels like a disease.
I remember the exact moment I realized Mom was sick, the moment I could hear her crying even out in the waiting room. I was young, but you never forget a moment like that, even if you donât know exactly whatâs happening. I learned a new word. âCancer.â
And now I have word for myself. Autogynephile. Itâs like I have a genetic disease I was born with, like how momâs cells were programmed to kill her. Conversion therapy doesnât work. I read that. Thereâs no way to feel better, except living your life like a woman, which is the one thing I canât bear to do. Maybe I canât stand the possibility of losing Dadâs or Ericâs respect. Maybe I
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