Awkward Situations for Men by Danny Wallace

Author:Danny Wallace
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-02-09T00:00:00+00:00

THE WISDOM AND PHILOSOPHIES OF A MODERN MAN: 2

MONDAY

I think a great job to have would be as a door-to-door door salesman, because how do you convince someone who's just answered their door that they need a door? You don't. You just take the day off.

TUESDAY

I think a good way to make the show Gladiators more exciting would be to give all the contestants little dogs to run around with while playing their games. It would be a real challenge for the dogs to make it upside-down around the Skytrak, and I bet it'd be funny when all the leashes got caught up in the Gladiators' feet.

Also, all the dogs are rabid, everyone has a gun, and it all takes place in space.

WEDNESDAY

The moment I realised Facebook probably wasn't for me was when this sentence popped up to greet me.

Lee Phillips has removed Young Guns II from his Top Ten Movies.

I stared at it. I read it. I re-read it. I decided I probably didn't need to know it. But now I do know it, and I will know it for ever. Whenever I look at my friend Lee Phillips, I will remember that he used to like Young Guns II a lot, but then only liked it quite a lot. Why do I know this? And what happened? Sure, it adds the personal touch to Facebook, but still - I could've used that space in my brain for something about warfare or spelling.

I refuse to be part of this movement that updates people constantly on my moods or thoughts via the internet . If they want it personal, it should be personal. So instead of updating Facebook with random facts, I now phone friends up and shout things down the phone at them before they even say hello. 'DANNY WALLACE HAS JUST EATEN AN EGG!'; 'DANNY WALLACE IS SPEAKING!'; 'DANNY WALLACE HAS A LITTLE BLUE HAT ON!' I then hang up and do not answer when they ring back.

I like to think it adds the personal touch.

THURSDAY

I think a nice way of making us all feel better about the bad things in the world would be if news journalists could make their reports from war-torn regions and drought-stricken plains a little more friendly. A lovely big smile at the end of their piece would cost nothing. And also, why don't they wave?

FRIDAY

My wife was the victim of identity theft this week. A German man had stolen her credit card details and was making various bets through a Frankfurt poker website using her money. This was distressing for her, sure. But how was I supposed to feel? I was now married to a German man with a gambling problem. What's worse is I've tried to get in touch with him, with a view to deciding whether I should move to Germany, or whether he will move here. I am determined to make this marriage work. Should he decide to move over here, I suppose my wife will have to steal someone else's identity before moving on.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.