Atomic Aardvark by Guy Ryan

Author:Guy, Ryan [Ryan, Guy,]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2013-10-13T00:00:00+00:00

19. The Cat’s Meow

Felines? Felines are the source of human happiness? The skunk blinked a few times. He rubbed his eyes to make sure they weren't misleading him. They weren't. “Feline Felicity: Human's Love-Love Relationship with Cats” was indeed the highest ranking result proffered by the search engine.

This new information clashed with everything the skunk thought he knew about human behavior and motivations from his binge with classical literature. In the novels I have read, humans, particularly those of the female persuasion, spend the vast majority of their time pining after true love. Page after page has laboriously detailed many a heroine's brooding introspections rife with longing, lustful desires, and unwavering devotion. Have I not shed many a tear for the downtrodden maiden spurned by the man she so desperately loved?

Despite evidences to the contrary, the skunk did not dispute the validity of the answer the Ocelot had provided. To the skunk, the Ocelot was the most current and accurate fount of knowledge. The notion that cats were the basis of human happiness became a supernal law. He sighed remorsefully. If only I had uncovered this knowledge sooner, I would have sought out the women of these stories and given them all cats. Then, perhaps, they would not have been driven to poison themselves or hurl themselves into the foaming depths of the sea.

The skunk clicked on the first result and was transported to a poorly written blog post. The author called herself Kat and boasted in her profile about living with eleven cats. The post’s title was its only highlight. The rest of the entry was nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt to lure readers into clicking on links to affiliate sites. The tepid post droned on and on about cats in a nearly incoherent manner replete with badly cropped cat images obviously “borrowed” from other websites. To the skunk, however, the writing was a treatise of great import.

One rambling idea encouraged the skunk the most. It read:

I was just sitting here thinking 'cuz that's what I do sometimes just sit and think and then all of a sudden I came up with something real good I want to share with the world. Everyone loves cats! All types of cats. Big ones and medium-sized ones and little ones and furry ones and fat ones and skinny ones and every other types of ones. They’re all sooooo wonderful and special. Just sayin’.

The skunk's heart pounded with pride as he recalled something he'd read in the dictionary. Am I not a polecat? Am I not a skunk as well as cat then? Huzzah! Humans absolutely adore cats. Stated otherwise, humans absolutely adore me! The skunk's nearly rapturous realization fizzled quickly as doubt seeped in, casting a pallor over his logic. Why, if I am meant to be adored, am I presently living in complete solitude in the charred remains of a landfill?

The skunk paced a moment before smiling. The answer is obvious. Humans simply do not know I exist. Fortunately,

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