A State of Mind by Kevin Casey

Author:Kevin Casey [Kevin Casey]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781843512370
Publisher: The Lilliput Press
Published: 2011-02-15T00:00:00+00:00

Like other men, I am capable of self-deception and emotional immaturity. I have made no attempt to disguise these facts in this narrative and I am prepared to accuse myself directly at this point. The women I have known, including both Laura and Ingrid, have not demonstrated these characteristics. The outlines of their lives contain a greater grasp of reality. They have the strength to confront the truth. I had also noticed, during my years of reporting from Northern Ireland, that the mothers of murder victims had, invariably, greater strength than other members of their families. They accepted their grief while the men in their families spoke wildly and fantasized plots of revenge that would never happen. This is something of a diversion. I suppose I am attempting to examine the fact that my own inability to face up to the truth is a common male failing. I sat there, looking down towards the river and attempted to deceive myself into believing that there were simple solutions to the problems that I had made for myself.

I could leave Laura. I could tell her, some long evening, as we sat apart from each other in the quiet room, that, although I still loved her, I had met another woman, yes, someone whom she knew, Ingrid actually, and my feelings for her were so overpowering that I was prepared to destroy everything that I had previously treasured. On the other hand, I could stop seeing Ingrid. It isn’t as if we had shared a long and enduring relationship, filled with mutual dependencies and private agreements and things that didn’t need to be said. I could explain to her that I had changed my mind or come to my senses, that it had been great but that we both had other commitments.

I knew that I could not do either of these things. The outcome of such confrontation was unimaginable. Why did I have to make a choice? Why couldn’t we go on as we were?

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