The First 7 by Laura Pohl

Author:Laura Pohl [Pohl, Laura]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Sourcebooks
Published: 2019-12-12T00:00:00+00:00

Chapter 26

The next day, I go to Heidi’s office of my own free will.

She’s sorting through papers as I approach her desk.

“I thought you didn’t use paper anymore,” I say. “Not like other people are actually producing it.”

She looks up and smiles. “It’s easier to keep track of things that way. How much we produce with the crops, how much meat we’re hunting, what other supplies we need. Especially now that winter is turning the corner and we need to know our provisions. Do you want to help me sort this?”

I think of Brooklyn and the others and how they talked about fitting in and trusting them. Being normal for once in my life. Trying hard.

I’m going to try harder.

I sit down in front of her, picking up papers and sorting them into different files.

“What did you want to see me about?” Heidi asks. “Did you want to continue with your sessions?”

Slowly, I nod, but I don’t look up from the paper.

“I saw you talking to Marcelo the other day,” she continues. “About the planes.”

“My abuelo used to be in the air force,” I offer but don’t add anything else. Even though I like Heidi, I can’t exactly trust her. “It’d been a long time since I was up there.”

“Do you like flying?”

I nod, and Heidi waits for me to continue.

“There’s this one thing my abuelo used to say,” I tell her. “Other people have the Earth. My family used to have the sky.”

“Until they came.”

I nod again. “It was never the same. Knowing what’s up there.”

I haven’t stopped belonging to the sky. Reclaiming things is hard, and it became harder after Abuelo was gone. He was the one who used to tell me my place was up there. It was easy to believe him. I didn’t have many friends, and I didn’t particularly like interacting with the Earth overall. But I have always loved going up there and losing myself in the eternal blue.

“Do you still have nightmares?” she asks.

I nod once more. “Not as many as before. It’s better now anyway.”

She looks up to meet my eyes. I force myself to look at her.

“What’s better, Clover?”

“The exhaustion. I used to be exhausted every day. And after my family died, I didn’t think I deserved to be here. Sometimes, I still think I don’t.”

Heidi reaches out to squeeze my hand.

“It’s something hard to experience,” she says. “Not everyone who survived the invasion was left intact. Depression, PTSD, and suicide attempts are more common than you’d believe. You are not alone.”

I gulp down, hard.

I don’t know how to say this. It was easy telling Violet. It’s something else telling a stranger.

I want to get better. I want to be able to let go of the past.

“I thought a lot about killing myself last year.”

She doesn’t move again to the papers. And I think, what the hell, at least she’s a qualified professional. Someone who can understand what’s going on and who can help me.

“I kept putting a gun to my head,” I say, my voice as neutral as I can, “and thinking, I’ll do it this time.

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