The Cozy Cosmic by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Underland Press
Published: 2023-10-10T00:00:00+00:00

Poe's Guys Respond to Their Significant Others

~ William J. Connell

(Narrator, at a podium before a group of men in a deep, dark, and dank catacomb)

Ok, ok, ok, we all agree to disagree on what happened with Ligeia and Rowena.

Now let’s take it from the top. One—two—three.

(Chorus)

We’re Poe’s guys, and we’re not fey

We’re scientific sorts who work all day,

We study hard, we walk our yard,

We seek the powers of strange things like mycelium,

So what if we wander at night into a mausoleum?

(Narrator)

Take it Rod.

(Rod)

I’m Rod Usher, and I got a house built like a rock,

Loaded with art, its full of stock,

(Were those footsteps?)

Own it outright, no conditions,

(Did you hear that?)

Full of life and lots of provisions,

It’s—she’s near.

(Narrator)

Come on, Rod, you can do it!

(Rod)

It’s a ma–ma–mansion with—SHE’S HERE!”

(Narrator)

Ok—Ok—Ok! Cut!

[Pause for technical difficulties]

(Narrator)

Somebody check Rod, did he hit his head?

Doctor Ponnonner, can you look at him? Make sure he’s not dead.

(Chorus)

What’s she doing here?

(Emaciated figure wrapped in a bloodied robe)

Oh it is just too easy.

You guys make me queasy.

You’re not fey?

You sleep all day,

Then go in a trance.

Look at this, my brother loses his balance,

Just at the sight of my entrance.

(Narrator)

Come on Maddie, we’re trying to respond with some elegance.

We’ve got this poem to put together.

How’s he doing, Dr. Ponnoner?

(Dr. P.)

He’ll live for now, and I’d say a while longer.

(Narrator)

Ok good. Now please Maddie,

I get your point, Rod buried you alive, he made a blunder,

But just for today, please, end this encounter,

Can’t you just find a nice vault where you can meander?

(Emaciated figure wrapped in bloodied robe)

For you—sure.

Guys, to the hereinafter, I am off.

Ha! Don’t scoff!

[Emaciated figure wrapped in bloodied robe exits]

(Narrator)

Ok, ok, let’s try this again. This time we’ll go one from the top.

(Chorus)

We’re Poe’s gents, and we’re okay,

We ain’t nothing like what our gals say,

(Narrator)

Alleo, take it.

[Crickets chirping.]

(Narrator)

Uh, Alleo, take it away!

[Crickets chirping.]

(Dr. P.)

O come on Alli.

(The Count)

Oh, come on yourself, doctor. And It’s Allamistakeo. Count Allamistakeo to you.

(Narrator)

Can’t you just get in the spirit of things?

(The Count)

I’m sorry, but as a group, you have your failings,

(Narrator)

You know—Do you always have to be so mean?

(The Count)

This is the most idiotic thing I have ever seen.

(Dr. P.)

We have to do our best, even though we have some challenges.

(The Count)

Sorry, but this is more ridiculous than Ponnonner’s lozenges.

(Dr. P., others)

Get him out of here!

(Narrator, under his breath)

For the life of him, that mummy hears no rhythm in his ear.

[Pause for technical difficulties as the Count is ushered outside the tomb]

(Narrator)

Ok. This time let’s start with the third stanza.

(Grumbling from Chorus)

(Narrator)

Come on, the girls beat us like a drum!

We need to show ‘em we have more aplomb!

(Chorus)

We’re Poe’s guys,

And our minds we exercise,

Knowledge is king, that’s our prize,

Though sometimes it leads to our gals’ demise,

(Narrator)

Take it Egae!

(Egaeus)

I live to study, the little minutia,

Some might say tis too much monomania,

The look of a book,

The perfume of a flower,

For me, that’s no source of horror,

It’s what really gives me power.

(Chorus)

Yeah!

(Egaeus)

I had a girl, such a lovely creature,

She was so delightful, a child of nature,

My cousin, my love, and also my teacher.

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