Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen Ed.D

Author:Jane Nelsen Ed.D. [Nelsen Ed.D., Jane]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
ISBN: 9780307794161
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2011-05-24T16:00:00+00:00

ENCOURAGEMENT VERSUS PRAISE

For many years there has been a great campaign for the virtues of praise in helping children gain a positive self-concept and improve their behavior. This is another time when we must “beware of what works.” Praise may inspire some children to improve their behavior. The problem is that they may become pleasers and approval junkies. These children (and later these adults) may develop self-concepts that are totally dependent on the opinions of others. Other children resent and rebel against praise, either because they don’t want to live up to the expectations of others or because they fear they can’t compete with those who seem to get praise so easily. Even though praise may seem to work, we must consider the long-term effects. The long-term effect of encouragement is that it invites self-confidence. The long-term effect of praise invites dependence on others.

As discussed earlier, another mistake adults have made regarding praise is the notion that they can “give” a child self-esteem. Self-esteem can’t be given or received, it is developed through a sense of capability and the self-confidence gained from dealing with disappointments, solving problems, and having lots of opportunities to learn from mistakes. The successful use of encouragement requires adult attitudes of respect, interest in the child’s point of view, and a desire to provide opportunities for children to develop life skills that will lead to self-confident independence from the negative opinions of others. Some characteristics of both praise and encouragement are outlined below.

The differences between encouragement and praise can be difficult to grasp for those who believe in praise and have seen immediate results. They have seen children respond to praise with beaming faces. However, they don’t think about the long-term effects of dependence on the opinions of others. Even those who want to change from praise to encouragement find it awkward to stop and think before making statements that have become habitual.

It may help to keep the following questions in mind when wondering whether the statements you make to children are praise or encouragement:

Am I inspiring self-evaluation or dependence on the evaluation of others?

Am I being respectful or patronizing?

Am I seeing the child’s point of view or only my own?

Would I make this comment to a friend?

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