Parenting Your Parents by Bart J. Mindszenthy

Author:Bart J. Mindszenthy
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dundurn
Published: 2013-08-27T16:00:00+00:00

Case Study 24

Moving On: Living Life without a Loved One

It’s not easy learning how to cope with the grieving, how to live on when a spouse or a parent dies, and how to deal with the trauma, guilt, and pain that’s involved.

The Challenge

Marilyn O’Connor is a recent widow. Her husband, Conrad, died six months ago. Although everyone knew that Conrad’s death was inevitable and that it was just a matter of how long he could hold out against the pancreatic cancer, his actual passing still came as a shock.

Marilyn, her son, Wes, stepdaughter, Wendy, and their families and several dozen friends attended a graveside service for Conrad on a dreary, overcast fall day with on-and-off-again rain showers that matched their own feelings.

For two months before his death, Conrad had been a patient at a palliative care unit at their local hospital. Marilyn, 68 years old, spent hours with her 72-year-old husband every day. And while many nights she had a series of friends spend time visiting with her and offering support, Marilyn was deeply troubled and very afraid of life without Conrad.

For both, this was their second marriage. Marilyn had left her first husband some three decades ago because of his alcohol problem and her concerns about herself and her son’s well-being. She managed to get herself back into the stream of things as a single mother and did well with her new job at an advertising agency.

Conrad’s wife died when her car hit black ice on December 24, 1968. She was killed instantly in the crash, but their two-year-old daughter, Wendy, survived with just a few bruises and a long-lasting confusion about what happened to her mother.

Marilyn and Conrad met at a wedding in 1972: she attending as a friend of the bride and he as a relative of the groom, who was at the last moment pressed into serving as best man. It seems the groom and his intended best man had a major disagreement just days before the wedding, and so Conrad was recruited.

A few weeks after meeting at the wedding, Conrad called Marilyn to see if she and her young son would like to join Wendy and him at an Easter egg hunt. So the relationship began, growing into a warm, comfortable friendship, and then into a strong emotional attachment. Two years after meeting — and over time finding that their children got along amazingly well — Conrad proposed. Three months later, they were married at a simple ceremony attended by a handful of friends.

In the years since the marriage, Marilyn and Conrad grew very close to each other and their children. During the summer months, the family often went camping together, and each winter Marilyn and Conrad would go on what they used to call a “just us” holiday for at least a week to a Caribbean island or some other warm vacation spot.

They were not rich, but they were comfortable. Conrad was a partner in a small law firm, and Marilyn continued to work

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