The Last Black Unicorn by Tiffany Haddish

Author:Tiffany Haddish
Language: eng
Format: epub, azw3, mobi
Publisher: Gallery Books
Published: 2017-12-08T05:00:00+00:00

Dating

Dating has been hard for me my whole life, and almost none of the relationships I’ve had have worked out that well. I guess that’s obvious, since I’m still single, as of the writing of this book.

How Comedy Fucks with Relationships

I talk about Roscoe onstage sometimes. That shit does not go over well with some guys. My last boyfriend first heard about Roscoe during a set of mine:

Ex-Boyfriend: “How long did it take you to write that joke?”

Tiffany: “No time at all. I lived that joke.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “You lying, that can’t be true.”

Tiffany: “Oh no—Roscoe is real. That whole story is true.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “FOR REAL? You for real fucked a handicapped dude? I know you got a big heart and everything but GODDAM, Tiffany!”

Tiffany: “So what, it happened years ago.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “You said it was the best sex you ever had! Now I gotta compete with a handicapped dude? What I got to do to be better than him?”

Tiffany: “It’s not about that. It was the passion, the intensity of it all.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “What exactly do you want, do you want me to make my hand like a little dinosaur hand to smack you with my fingertips? Is that what you want? Make funny noises when we fuck? You want me to drool?”

Tiffany: “No, it was Roscoe, it was different, you’re different. You don’t have to be angry—you’re better than Roscoe in other ways.”

That was the wrong thing to say. He went crazy over that shit. Angry, yelling about how much better he was than some handicapped dude who lived in a group home. Shit, I would hope so! If you gotta point that out, you already in trouble.

Later on we were at a store together, and there was a dude working, you could tell he was touched. He was smiling all big and got wide eyes and he came up to us all fast:

Touched Worker: “Y’all need help? I help you, I help you!!”

He was real nice and trying to be helpful, but my ex comes barging between us:

Ex-Boyfriend: “You stand back, Tiffany. Thank you sir, we’re good. You can go away now.”

Touched Worker: “OK cool, if you need help, you ask me!!”

That guy was so nice, and my ex was kind of mean to him.

Ex-Boyfriend: “I know you want to fuck that motherfucker, don’t you Tiffany? I can tell by the way you’re smiling at him. Stop smiling goddam it. I can’t leave you nowhere. You wanna fuck this handicapped dude, I know you would.”

Tiffany: “I might, I might.”

I was kidding—obviously—but he got all angry again.

Ex-Boyfriend: “So you like that in a guy? If Tyson Beckford and a motherfucker missing an arm come in, who are you going to fuck? The motherfucker missing an arm, ain’t you?”

Tiffany: “Stop tripping.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Stop tripping? I didn’t fuck no handicapped. I gotta watch you now, I gotta be on the lookout for dudes with shit wrong, creepin’ on my girl!”

A few weeks later, he was going through some old messages of mine on Instagram, still on this handicapped thing.

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