Why Can't I Just Enjoy Things?: A Comedian's Guide to Autism by Pierre Novellie

Author:Pierre Novellie [Novellie, Pierre]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Family & Relationships, Autism Spectrum Disorders, Performing Arts, Comedy, Biography & Autobiography, Personal Memoirs, Psychology, Psychopathology
ISBN: 9781785121036
Google: DEzsEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Blink
Published: 2024-07-17T22:00:00+00:00

Delays in processing

The problem with alexithymia is that in a relationship it can completely suffocate communication like this and your non-autistic partner will have a hard time even accepting you were upset if they go by normal impressions. If you have autism or think you might have it, you may have experienced something similar where it just took you longer to figure out if you were angered, worried or delighted by something. Autism can mean that you have delays in processing information of certain kinds and it can give people the wrong impression or create an awkward situation where you are socially obliged to state your reaction to something earlier than you would like. There’s nothing worse than feeling obliged to say, ‘No worries’ to something only to actually realise that you’re annoyed about it three days later. This is because you didn’t find yourself to be instantly upset and couldn’t quickly think of a good reason to say no, or felt it best to just agree to avoid an awkward pause. Not only that, but suddenly realising it or bringing it up a few days later makes you seem like you’ve been boiling with fury and hiding it, because you didn’t seem instantly upset to the other person and haven’t mentioned anything about it since. It’s more like the emotions were downloading or delayed in the post. My emotions are delivered by Evri, put it that way.

I’ve got something weird going on where I won’t feel much excitement or adrenaline until the last minute. There are some comedians who talk about feeling sick about a big gig the moment they wake up on the day of it, or maybe even days in advance. With a few exceptions I don’t feel nerves, excitement or any adrenaline for 99 per cent of gigs until maybe when arriving at the venue. Then I’ll feel a bit like I’m in the cinema watching the trailers for a movie. If I’m doing a comedy club, the adrenaline will only finally hit when the host of the evening goes out to talk to the crowd for a few minutes and then introduces me. If I’m on tour, it’ll be when I see the lights go down and get the signal to introduce myself on the offstage mic. Then I get a kind of rollercoaster build-up of excitement, terror, a desire to get out there and do well, an awareness of the possibility of being embarrassed, everything anyone associates with public speaking, all rolled into one big internal Catherine wheel spraying sparks all over the place.

The second I step out onstage, most of the time it goes away again. It’s like this big firework display has suddenly had the sound muted and everything slows down and I can finally concentrate and everything will be fine. Some sports professionals describe something like this as a state of flow and I believe, completely anecdotally here in my armchair like the unqualified clown that I am, that the alexithymia or lack of excitement and anxiety leading up to the gig may help me attain a state of flow.

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