The World According to Danny Dyer: Life Lessons from the East End by Danny Dyer

Author:Danny Dyer [Dyer, Danny]
Language: eng
Format: azw3
Publisher: Quercus
Published: 2015-10-21T16:00:00+00:00

There ain’t nothing wrong with exercising to be fit, of course. But if you want to get fit, play football like a normal person. Being in a team will also stop you crawling too far up your own arse as the relentless piss-taking of your mates will keep your feet on the ground.

I’m not a kid any more and I think a man of a certain age should look like he’s lived a bit. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of a gut, it shows you’re not some self-obsessed melt worried about what everyone else is thinking of them.

The other reason to go to a gym, of course, is to put on muscle to intimidate other blokes. But that means that you’re a scared little rabbit inside. All right, for some criminals it’s a tool of the trade, I accept that and there’s an excuse for hitting the weights or even the ’roids. Not a very nice excuse, but an excuse. The rest of us should just chill out a bit.

Women aren’t really drawn to muscle men anyway – they want someone who looks confident and chilled with themselves. Some gay men go for the roidy look, I know, but I can’t really comment on that because I don’t know anything about it.

All this ‘product stuff’ they try to sell young men is just that – a sales opportunity. My dad’s gone his whole life without using moisturizer, having his eyebrows plucked or splashing himself in ‘high-performance’ shampoo. They’ve taken women for mugs for years and now they’re trying to do the same thing to blokes.

It’s just not what a proper bloke does. Do you think the big men of history spent a long time with grooming products? Did the Duke of Wellington say, ‘I can’t make Waterloo today, I simply can’t do a thing with my hair’? Did Churchill go low fat? Did Bobby Moore check himself in the mirror before nicking the ball off Pelé? Of course not.

These were men the whole world looked up to. They wouldn’t have been seen dead with cucumber on their eyes. Pampering – another load of old toss. OK, women like it but my idea of pampering happens at the spa known as The Dog and Duck.

I went on holiday last year and, typical Brit, got roasted alive on day one. I had to have this full body wrap. They lashed me up like a mummy. I stood it for about five minutes and then had to get out of it. I just don’t feel comfortable like that. I suppose you could say it’s insecurity. As a bloke, part of your identity is being able to look after yourself. Being treated like a baby just doesn’t float my boat.

Plastic surgery is another ‘no’ for me. I wouldn’t do Botox, I need my face, it is important. I need expressions. Also, just sitting there with some melt whacking needles in your head – no, not for me.

The only thing I would have done is my tits, which have arrived recently, my little man cups.

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